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All black is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners, take-no-sh*t outfit.
By Alissa Scully — Written on Aug 17, 2016
Women wear black for lots of reasons. None of them are warm and fuzzy. Black isn't a warm and fuzzy color, and its associations with night, darkness, and nefarious deeds can't be overlooked. Basically, if she's in black, beware. Don't f*ck with her.
Here are eight reasons you should never, EVER mess with a woman who wears all black.
1. Johnny Cash called himself "the man in black"; he wore black to symbolize his mourning for all the injustice in the world.
Roman Senator Cato the Elder wore black for the same reason. Your girl may be habitually wearing black to show her awareness of the bad things in the world, like famine, animal testing, war, or sexual violence. Do not ask her why she's wearing black. She'll tell you herself. At length. In graphic detail.
Do not argue with her. Do not f*ck with her argument. She's devoted an entire wardrobe to saving fuzzy bunny rabbits from mascara testing. Just back away slowly.
2. The goth movement is devoted to the macabre, to sadness, and to comtemplating the void.
Or something. Ask a goth. Or don't, because then you'll be subjected to a lecture of what being goth means. She can't hurt your body, but she can hurt your soul jabbering on and on and on. You'll know her not only by her black clothes, but by her white pancake makeup. Do not f*ck with her, or she'll try to play goth music at you. Back away slowly.
3. In America, most people wear black to funerals.
Generally all black, which symbolizes deep mourning. You do not f*ck with a woman in mourning. She's just had someone near to her die, she's on the way to or from the funeral, and she will take no sh*t. This is not a time to mess with a woman, who's likely to snap your head off for an innocent comment. Either that, or she'll weep on your shoulder. You don't want either of these things to happen.
4. Another type of American woman regularly wears all black: the corporate shark.
She's a black unit of efficiency, all sleek business and smooth management. She can talk you into anything, probably including suicide, and fire you all in the same breath. After hours? There are no after hours. You see her at work, on the subway, or not at all. Approach with caution. Do not attempt to engage, especially sexually. She took a self-defense class and knows how to bring you down.
5. The serious workout maven also wears all black: black yoga pants or leotards, black tank top, black ponytail holder.
Do not f*ck with her. She's been a gym rat since before you could say the word "crunch," and probably runs marathons on the weekends. She can twist you into a pretzel without even trying, then kick you to the curb and leave you wanting her. She and her ponytail are best left alone.
6. On the other end of the clothing spectrum is the American nun.
The serious ones wear all-black habits, and Jesus taught them to destroy you with nothing more than a glare. Even worse, they bring you to your knees with a quick glance that tells you, in one second, what a worthless heathen you are, then say that tell you they'll pray for you. Stay on their good side. Do not f*ck with them.
7. On the other, OTHER end of the morality spectrum is the woman in the Little Black Dress.
She picked this out. She leafed through catalogues, clicked through websites, and combed department stores until she found the perfect little black dress, which only comes up to HERE and down to THERE. It matches with her black stiletto heels, which match her black purse.
She's confident. She's cool. You find her out on the town, with either a gaggle of girlfriends (all similarly dressed in black) or a date. Do not f*ck with her. Either the girlfriends or the date will destroy you, and you don't want to end the night with stiletto prints on your face.
8. Finally, there's the average woman wearing all black.
There's no obvious rhyme or reason to her wardrobe choice. You can find her anywhere: walking the neighborhood, cruising the mall, eating at a five-star restaurant. There's no blatant reason for her to wear black. Except for one thing: she will kick your ass.
All black is an ass-kicking, take-no-prisoners, take-no-sh*t outfit. Look out for this one. She may be the most dangerous of all.
