Stop blaming yourself for his flaws.
I'm sure a lot of you can relate to having dealt with (or are dealing with) The Indecisive Perfect Guy. I'm gonna break him down — and give you cheat codes.
So, you meet this guy via Twitter, or life, or whatever. Seems cool enough: not sexy, not ugly, but attractive. He carries himself well. In fact, he carries himself very well, so he feels even more attractive to you. He dresses well, he's smart. He's not trying to be the next J. Cole.
You start talking, and the vibe is DOPE. You connect. Conversation flows. He's really easy to talk to, texts back timely, the whole nine.
So you go out.
The vibe is amazing. You have a great time. He's the perfect gentleman, everything is lit. You go out again — more of the same.
So now, you're HYPE. You got yourself a fine dude (he upgraded in your head because he's not weird or awkward) and you're really starting to gel. He's a real gentleman, so he doesn't even bring up sex. You're thinking you caught yourself a good one. And you have!
Then... it happens.
You text one day, and he replies slower than usual. Just slow enough that you can tell something's off with the energy between you two. He doesn't call as much, he's not as hype to talk to you. He still likes you — that you know. But you can feel a sense of doubt in him.
This could be weeks or months in. Regardless, you can tell something's not right. You think, "maybe he has a girl on the side?" But no, that's not it.
You hit him up. No reply. All of a sudden he's busy. You: Boy, you wasn't busy when we were cuddling and you were selling me dreams!
He had you thinking you were wife material. He's seen your best makeup blend and dress combo. You might've even had sex. Now he's switching up?
So you being you, hit your girls up — but if course they're no help. You just need to vent.
You're damn near ready to drop this fool and sue him for time wasted... but he hits you up. Sorry love I've been really busy lately.
He finesses you with words. They sound reasonable, but you don't buy it. He's suspect now. But you go along with it, because feelings.
He probably said: "I've been busy." "Work Stuff." "Family Issues." "Needed to think." "I really like you and I don't want to ruin it too fast."
You explain that he can't be inconsistent, he says he understands. You know what you want, and you thought he did too. Now it's different. You're annoyed, because you let him in (sexually or emotionally), and now he's unsure. Why would he even waste your time? He went from a stranger to a genuine interest to an amazing guy to Man, he's serious about me to WAIT — now he doesn't know??
It usually ends one of two ways: he dates you out of internal pressure he never reveals to you, or you have to fall off.
The first one sucks. He convinces himself he knows what he wants, and convinces you, too. Sure, you date — but he never emotionally commits. You make memories, moments. He meets your family and friends. You're... there. You're all the way in love. He thinks he is, but he's always had his doubts.
The day comes when he makes some BS excuse to break up. You're heartbroken. He's hurt, too... but only because he hurt you, not because you broke up.
The other option? You fell off before you ended up dating. In the back of your head you're like, Why? What if? It's annoying that you wasted time.
Sounds eerily familiar, right? So what happened? Where did you go wrong? Why'd he switch up? Let's find out.
Let's back track: you were always fine as hell to him. When you started talking, the plan was ALWAYS not to play any games. We (most of us guy, anyway) never plan to break hearts or just have sex and leave. The plan was always for you to be the one.
Our vibe is amazing. Like real dope. Everything is great. You're so mature, so put together, we can hardly believe you like our ugly selves to be honest. We go on dates, get to know each other... it's lit. We get so hyped off the connection that we start speaking from our emotions — AKA, selling dreams.
Thing is, they're not dreams. We want this to happen. We legit see you as our girl, our future wife, all that. So we're not lying. And because we're not lying, that's why it's so easy for you to believe us. It's all legit. Everything's legit.
But then... it happens.
The feeling comes. Usually way earlier than you start to notice it. It's unexplainable, this feeling of doubt. This 'what if' feeling. We try to ignore it, but we can't. By now, you've already told us how much you like us and where you see us going and how you're gonna make us better. And we know you're serious. The issue is, now we regret selling you dreams because... Maybe we need to slow down.
You did NOTHING wrong. Guys just take longer to develop those permanent feelings. We spoke to you based on temporary feelings and now... we need time.
You always hear it. But this thing where we need time? It's genuinely true. It's not a front. But it turns a relationship into a situationship REAL quick. We need time to make sure the dreams we sold you based on temporary feelings can actually be for real.
But we feel pressured. Honestly. If not by you, then by society. If not by society, then by friends. If not by friends then by TV/culture.
And by now we just want you happy.
So what do we do? We literally tell ourselves, "I'll handle this emotion later." We convince ourselves we're ready for stuff we're not ready for. We convince ourselves (and you) after that period of uncertainty that we're good to go.
We start dating. You're ecstatic. You're hype.
You date to marry. He knows that, because you keep tweeting about it. So he knows you're serious. And he's happy. But deep down... man. Deep down, that feeling of uncertainty never left. Because he didn't deal with it properly. And with every day that does by, it gets stronger.
By the time you break up or fall off or whatever, in his head you've already mentally broken up (or physically, by cheating). Because of that feeling.
The plan was NEVER to break your heart or waste your time. But because no one ever taught us how to handle that feeling, it went bad. But what I need you to know, ladies?
There. Is. Nothing. You. Can. Do. To. Make. That. Feeling. Go. Away. For. Him. Stop blaming yourself for his flaws.
You cook better than his momma. Your head game: A1. You pray for him. You iron his clothes. None of that matters for a guy who's not ready. And then when you break up, you spend days trying to figure out what you did wrong. It wasn't you. It's okay.
So if it wasn't you, ladies... how does the guy fix it? Here it is. You ready?
Love is a decision. Not just an emotion.
Guys have subconsciously been taught that love is an emotion. That everything has to "feel" a certain way. It's wrong and deadly.
Love is a decision. He has to decide to love you. The only way that feeling will ever be handled is if he makes the decision. He has to face that uncertainty and say, "I have decided to love." Because emotions are far too wishy-washy to make permanent decisions. When he reaches a level of maturity where he decides to love, THAT is when you have a man (emotionally) ready to date and marry.
If you're in one of these relationships, I'd advise you to TALK with your man about this. It's not an easy talk, especially because he won't want to admit to you that this is what's happening. But it is SO necessary.
Get a man who wakes up every day and decides to love you. Everything won't be peaches, but you know it won't be a waste of time.
Follow Kiran on Twitter.