Never go home without a celebrity man again.
I am terrible at pick up lines. I am a master of thinking of funny pick up lines after the fact. Two days will have passed since I spotted that hottie on the G train, and I wake from a dead sleep positive that I have unlocked the key to getting into his pants.
In person it never quite works out that way. I get too tongue-tied. Usually my body just takes over and start scream-laughing at his jokes or nervously fart and hope for the best.
My tongue-tied nature is even worse on the rare occasion I make contact with a celebrity whom I admire.
During a brief stint as an assistant on a TV show, I had the chance to woo then-love of my life, Gabriel Byrne. "I WILL BE YOUR STIGMATA" I thankfully did not yell when we first locked eyes. This is unfortunate, as that is a funny pick up line, and I like to think that male celebrities would be won over by the ballsiness and charm of a panicked woman being all like, "CHRIS EVANS DID IT HURT ... WHEN YOU FELL FROM HEAVEN?"
Sadly I do not have proof that this theory is correct ... YET. But rest assured I will continue to research it. For the time being, please feel free to tree any one of these funny picks up lines designed to win a male celeb that I have concocted below. Report back with results, please. This is for science.
1. "Your 6 pack looks great on screen, but I bet it would look even better on my bed."
There's only one way to find out. Bonus points if you are driving beside him in an unmarked van when you drop this one and are successful. Bonus bonus points if it is Jamie Dornan.
2. "What is Oscars?"
You're hitting on a celeb who has taken home the gold for years. He's more well-known than Coca Cola. Pretend like he isn't and he will be your slave. I mean, until he sees your DVD collection. Obvi.
3. "I am also from Rhode Island and will never write a song about you."
This one is exclusively for use upon meeting Tom Hiddleston. It is also exclusively for use of me and/or any other woman who loves Tom Hiddleston, is from Rhode Island, and will never write a song about him. Suck it, TSwift.
4. "Sorry, I only date 10s."
Do this to a male celebrity who might have low self-esteem. I feel like maybe Keanu Reeves would be swayed by this. If not and he is by some twist of fate reading this, I love you Keanu Reeves and I'm glad you are confident and self-actualized. Let's have eggs together.
5. "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you Jon Hamm?"
Really only good to use on Jon Hamm and/or other large-dicked celebs.
6. "Which one are you again?"
Use this if you meet a Hemsworth or a Baldwin. It keeps them humble, makes you seem cool, and doubles your odds at getting a little Hollywood love, family style.
7. "I've got my PhD in Physics, and enjoy motorcycles and pranks. Maybe also I am a model."
This would definitely work on George Clooney. Admittedly this is a long con that requires you to fake modeling photos and learn stuff about physics. But Clooney, so...