9 Things Your Guy's Balls Would Say If They Could Talk

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if his balls could talk

Balls deserve more love.

Testicles get short shrift. The balls, man! They are where it’s at.

We basically write odes where the penis is concerned. His wrinkly spherical bodyguards on the other hand are lucky if they even get a limerick.

Balls deserve more love.

They are complicated little buggers that contain the very stuff of life. It’s not their fault that they were built with function in mind instead of form.

In a movie about the male reproductive system, Michael Phelps would be cast to play the penis. He’s hot, hairless, speedy, and totally driven.

The balls, well that’s more the terrain of say a Harvey Keitel or a Joe Pesci: small but sexy, edgy but cute, gruff but grounded.

You might not agree with my casting, but I think we all know that if his balls could talk, they would have a lot to say. Please enjoy this sampling.

1. “Dude, stop trying to shave us.”

His balls cannot handle how he’s always try to shave his pubes to match those of his favorite porn stars.

2. “Ditch the skinny jeans, nerd.”

His balls love being flaunted, but they are so not down with being smothered by cruel and overpriced denim.


Balls love to make jokes about how they are balls. They are big into wordplay. They also hate the sweltering heat. The cold they also despise, but they don’t bitch about it, choosing to harness all their energy into just staying alive.

4. “Hey there pretty mama!”

Balls are known flirts. They have a real thing with calling every woman they deem bang-able “mama”. It’s kind of cute.

5. “You should listen to more Neil Diamond, bro.”

Don’t be fooled by the mellow guy quietly jamming to Fleet Foxes. If his balls had their way it would be all Neil Diamond all the time.

6. “Let’s fight that guy.”

Balls love to fight. They might not have the skill set to back up this desire but damned if they aren’t going to throw fisticuffs at their favorite drinking establishment when their boss has had one too many whiskeys.

7. “How come he gets a piercing?”

Balls don’t like to feel left out. I mean they don’t actually want to be pierced, but they hate feeling neglected. This is why every good blowjob works the balls in. It’s one case where three is definitely not a crowd.

8. “It stinks down here!”

Because they aren’t as naturally sleek and hairless as their main man Phelps, balls are very self-conscious about how they look and smell at all times.

9. “What’s ass doing tonight? I miss that guy!”

Balls are curious and social. They love hanging out. Penis is fine company, but he’s a little vapid and he’s only got one thing on his mind (two after a lot of water). Balls have always wanted to hang out with ass, but he’s forever just out of reach.


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