Your favorite cats are back to reveal the love secrets hiding in the Zodiac.
Back by popular demand YourTango presents your daily love horoscope from little known but deeply gifted astrologers Mittens and Dale! Mittens and Dale are two cats. Look up your astrological sign and discover what the stars have in store for you. Are love and romance coming for you? Is he cheating? Should you get an IUD? Only Mittens and Dale know for sure. Please note: the predictions provided here follow Western astrological dates.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Love is a lot like a scratching post. You tackle it every day out of necessity. Eventually, all that's left is a husk on the curb that kind of smells like pee. Do not bring that wasted pee-smelling stump home with you, Aries. You deserve so much more. Here, we brought you this almost dead pigeon.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Sometimes love does you dirty. You might be going about your business, rolling happily around in a filthy litter box, but you don't realize you've gotten your own poop stuck to your butt because you are so happy. This is all our way of saying that things aren't always what they appear and that also Jesus Christ please change the litter box.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
One time I (this is Mittens, Dale is cleaning his genitals) was staring out the window and I spotted a beautiful butterfly. I spent hours staring at this butterfly. I wanted it so badly. Then, suddenly, it flew away. I was upset at first, but then the woman who feeds us came home from work with the wet kind of food and I did not ever think of that butterfly again. Forget your butterfly and have some snacks maybe.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
There is a dog who lives in our house. We mostly avoid him except when he serves our needs (re: framing him when we would like to knock over the trash can and play with all of the sweet, sweet lids hiding in there). This dog really loves us and wants to be our friend. We will never be friends with him because he is stupid. He is so stupid he once barked at his own reflection. He shouldn't waste his time on us, instead he should focus on himself that is how he (and you, dear Cancer) will find the love and companionship you so desperately seek.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
LIONS! We love you, can we mark you with our pheromones? Or at least just like, hang out with you for a little bit? The stars tell us that you are a little bit concerned that your recent weight gain is going to keep you from finding someone to stalk the beaches with. We're here to tell you that the only partners worth acquiring are the ones who recognize the pure swag of a voluptuous lion.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, Virgo, Virgo. Most of you are dating someone special right now. But you are worried that something called "the spark" has left your relationship. We suggest bringing the buzzing thing that we like to hunt under the covers into your sleepy time chamber. Put the buzzing thing on your parts or your partners parts. But keep your kitties locked out of the room. Because of the aforementioned hunting. Forgive our claws, we know not what we do.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Sometimes love comes easily. Other loves you have to work on, like a hairball that is stuck way down there and you just keep horking and horking and it won't come up and the noises you make are scary but at the end of the day, the hairball comes out and you feel a relief and joy like nothing else. This is your love life right now. A hairball that is difficult but worth it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Sometimes in order to find true love, you need to stop looking. Sometimes when we are very, very, very hungry we will look everywhere for food. Sometimes we will chew on plants just to be dramatic. But eventually we give up and will take a short nap of roughly 10 to 12 hours. When we wake up, it's to the sound of kibble landing in our bowls. Take a nap, give up the planet eating, and the kibble of your dreams will find you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Taking a risk with someone new can be scary, but it can also be really worth it. One time I (Dale) noticed that Mittens had patch of fur on the top of her head that needed some thorough licking. Now licking someone's head can be a tricky proposition, but I knew Mittens didn't want to walk around looking like a total mess. So I took a breath, and began to lick her head. She responded with a gracious purr and I've never looked back. I love you, Mittens.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Gentle Capricorn, it is I, Mittens (Dale, let's talk after we are done transcribing the wisdom of the stars okay?) Some things just aren't meant to be. One time the lady who feeds us thought she could train us to pee in the toilet. It took a while, but eventually she gave up. You should too: letting go is hard sometimes, but you owe it to yourself and your future happiness.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
If you want to meet someone new to stick your spiky penis [Ed Note: Mittens and Dale think that human penises are identical to cat penises. I tried to explain to them that this was not the case but they both got bored and walked away] into you and create young baby kitties then you should go to an Orange Julius. The stars were very, very specific about this.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, you are a fish, and as such, if you want to find love and happiness you should swim into my mouth for a second. Just one tiny minute. I promise I will not eat you at all even a little. It is written in the stars! [Ed. Note: I am 100% sure that this cat is lying and also thinks you are an actual fish]