Relax. You're not the first person on Earth to not feel like 'doing it' all the time.
Surprise! I’m getting older. Soon I will be 44 years of age.
I am into alternate sexual practices. I’m in an open relationship, favor BDSM, and have multiple sexual partners. I should always be in the mood, right? Wrong!
My sexual appetites, extreme as they may be, don’t run the marathons they used to when I was 18. However, my primary partner — Sunny Megatron — has not only peaked, she is climbing Mount Everest.
While this article is written from the perspective of an ethically non-monogamous man who digs chicks, no matter the gender or sex of your partner, you may find things you can relate to in this post.
Important note: On the physical side of things, erectile dysfunction, hypertension, diabetes, medications, and a host of other medical conditions can be a mood and boner killer for those of us with dicks. This article deals primarily with the psychological reasons men don’t want sex. If you suspect a medical issue, go see your doctor.
So, what’s a dirty old man to do when "the mood" isn’t arriving as easily as it had in the past?
1. The first thing to do is fucking relax.
You are not the first person on earth to NOT feel like doing it ALL the time.
2. Identify the root of the problem.
Not being in the mood is nobody’s fault. It doesn't mean I don’t find my partners super sexy and irresistible as hell.
Sometimes I’m stressed. Sometimes I have an aging body with a decline in sexual desire.
Sometimes it’s Thursday and I don’t want to fuck.
Getting your libido in sync with your partner’s is a psychological thing first and foremost. Weight gain, self esteem issues, financial pressure, and lack of communication are the most common sources of tension for any couple. Knowing this is half the battle.
If you are living from paycheck to paycheck, and are stressed about it, your partner may want to have sex with you to relieve the tension, whereas in many cases, especially for men who are primary providers, this may be the last thing they want to do!
Identifying the principal source of psychological discomfort can feel hard, humiliating, and even more tense in the short term, but digging deep to discover the true issue is ultimately comforting and leads to a better, more communicative relationship.
3. Communicate about both of your feelings about the situation.
Talking is tough, but it can help. Sit down together and discuss ways you can best communicate why you feel the way you do.
Sometimes we need counseling. Other times it may be as simple as discussing the problem with your partner to uncover what is at the base of the issue.
Men have a particularly hard time communicating about emotions and accepting blame for emotional discomfort.
But acting masculine doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.
Next, take the communication a step further by bringing it into the bedroom. If you’re trying to solve an issue about sexy-time, bring it to the place where sexy-time happens.
If you’d like your partner to add a few new moves to their blow job repertoire — tell them!
If you’ve been wishing they’d throw in more hand motions, a tickle of the balls, or move a little to the left — let them know.
You'll likely find asking for what you want specifically and working together to achieve it can work wonders.
4. Figure out which fantasies tend to get you in the mood.
Men have fantasies that, when acted upon, can easily rev up the libido.
We can’t always have what we want. However, asking your partner to act out some of the elements of a fantasy or taking part in some sex games is a great way to get exactly what you want!
This doesn’t have to mean asking your partner to swing from the chandelier or host a wild orgy.
Acting on a fantasy can be something as simple as asking for and receiving unreciprocated oral sex. For some, anal sex might be taboo enough to give you wood hard enough to cut diamonds. Others may want to incorporate elements of BDSM like choking, spanking or hair pulling.
I personally like getting stuck in a Pornado (AKA sitting at my computer watching my favorite porn) while simultaneously having Sunny give me head while she’s wearing a wig.
Let your imagination run wild!
5. Sometimes I’m just not in the fucking mood — literally.
It’s OK to not be in the mood. But for the love all you hold dear, tell your partner why you aren’t in the mood!
They might think the reason has something to do with them — they’re not attractive, you don’t love them, they have gained too much weight or a million other things.
Reassure your partner. In this case, a little communication can go a long way.
The self-help book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Grey, can be a bit of pop psychology bullshit, but it does contain some universal truths.
Studies have shown that gay men often have an easier time communicating with their partners than hetero men (at least in some basic ways), because most men communicate in roughly the same way. And vice versa for lesbian women.
I am a hetero man writing from a hetero point of view. For me, women are amazing, beautiful, fragile, yet strong creatures who communicate on a level I can’t begin to comprehend.
Understanding women is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. I will never try to understand women.
But, by Odin’s balls, I will try to communicate with them!
Try seeing not being currently in the mood as a great opportunity to get what you desire sexually at a later time! Don’t let re-scheduling freak you out.
Setting a solid date and time to revisit later can help the problem resolve itself. There's nothing wrong with scheduling time for sex.
And don’t force yourself to get sexy at a time you’re not feeling it!
5. The little blue pill isn’t the only answer!
Some think as we age, medicine is the only thing that can help us get or keep wood.
It is extremely important to recognize that the little blue pill doesn’t help with desire — it only helps with erectile dysfunction.
Swingers are almost always on the forefront of medical techniques that happen to also help older folks with these issues.
Important note: This section is very subjective and what does or doesn't work varies greatly for each individual. Take all of this with a grain of salt and check with your doctor before trying anything as extreme as injecting your penis with go-go juice.
I also need to add a strong notice of “Buyer Beware!” There’s a lot of quackery and snake oil out there.
- Herbal supplements: These are great when you find one that works for you. Often times, as soon as you do find one that works, the government takes it off the shelf because it threatens the livelihood of big pharma. Most of the best supplements have a combination of capsicum (chili peppers), ginger, yohimbe, and cinnamon, so look for these when looking for a new herbal supplement.
- Intracavernosal injections: According to the American Urologic Association, taking an intracavernosal injection (a medical injection right to the penis) is the single most effective treatment for erectile dysfunction. Alprostadil and Phentolamine are the most common medicines men are shooting into their own meat mushroom. Some doctors are also prescribing multiple compounds together in what is called bimix and trimix.
- Cock rings: Basically, these are external Viagra. Restricting blood flow to the penis by sticking your stuff in a leather, silicone, stone, or metal cock ring can make you harder, thicker, and more robust. But they aren’t for everyone. My personal favorite is Stockroom’s Stainless Steel Teardrop Cock Ring. It gives me a raging boner harder than Chinese Algebra, and is designed to simultaneously give an external prostate massage. Plus, the weight of the metal feels great!
- Topical lotions: At this point in time, these are mere snake oil. They don’t work, and may even make your penis numb and useless. There are some new topical lotions in the works that are similar to the intracavernosal injection meds, but they aren’t on the market yet.
When it comes to getting in the mood, remember to relax, identify the problem, communicate, and live out some fantasies.
Bring your communication to the bedroom. It’s OK to re-schedule sex for a later time if you’re not in the mood.
Please go to your doctor if you have either a mental or physical issue that should be treated with conventional medicine, and use meds only if you have to!
This article was originally published at SunnyMegatron.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.