Everyone knows how to kiss well, but kissing badly? That's an art.
Figuring out how to break up with someone is hard and terrible. Figuring out how to kiss someone is easy and wonderful. Regulate your saliva, go with the flow, and be confident and you are sure to succeed.
Funnily enough the same tactics could actually be applied to how to break up with someone. But for some reason that doesn’t make the task any more appealing.
But what if you could use your kissing technique as a tool to end a relationship? That’s right, ditch the dud AND get your quality smoochfest on.
It’s totally possible, you’ve just got to be willing to give up your old kissing technique, and try one of these tried and true methods of getting a guy to run screaming into the sunset, leaving you to your own glorious devices.
1. Gently tap out your cellphone number on his incisors using your tongue.
When he asks what you’re doing, explain that if he is ever in a life-threatening situation his teeth will remember your phone number and you will come rescue him.
2. Sing anything by Tim McGraw into his open mouth without breaking contact.
Sky-diving, rocky mountain climbing - all this and more will you do once this guy realizes you want to end things.
3. Dot his top lip with eighty little kisses while saying “smoochie smoochie smoochie smooch.”
When you are done, pull back slightly and say, “I wuv u”. Easy peasy.
4. Chew on his lips.
Increase your intensity until he panics and flees, remarking as he goes that he is concerned you might be a cannibal.
5. Make sure to put in fake hill-billy teeth before locking lips.
Grin big before you go in for a kiss and say “Gorsh, I never kissed no man I weren’t related to a’fore.”
6. Nothing says romance like whispering “I’ve got gingivitis” before slipping him some tongue.
Bonus points if you dramatically intone “The gum disease gingivitis” like in that one mouthwash commercial.
7. Use suction to make intermittent fart sounds with your mouths.
It’s hard to get passionate when your mouths keep farting. I predict a date that ends with chagrined giggling in a best case scenario.
8. Throw up just a little.
The key here is to keep it in your own mouth. Tease him with it a little. “Leave him guessing, did she just almost throw up in my mouth?” The uncertainty will be your undoing.
9. Praise his kissing ability.
“You kiss so good I think I’m pregnant now.”