If your horoscope hasn't been accurate lately, maybe you need a new astrologer ... or two ... cats.
Welcome to YourTango's world-exclusive horoscope from little known but deeply gifted astrologers Mittens and Dale! Look up your astrological sign and discover what the stars have in store for you. Are love and romance on the horizon, perhaps a new career? Only Mittens and Dale know for sure. Please note: the predictions provided here follow Western astrological dates. Please also note: Mittens and Dale are two cats.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
We see tremendous things in store for you, feisty Aries. But just how tremendous they turn out to be depends on you. You will be tempted to open your mouth, but if you manage to keep it zipped, seven cats may take a nap on your stomach. I know, you're right: it is a rare and wondrous gift.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You might seem tough, but we know the truth, Taurus: you're all bluff and bluster and heart. Today someone will reach out and try to connect with you about something that really matters. Don't be afraid to show them your soft underbelly. We will show you our soft underbellies but you have to promise not to touch them first, kay?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Oh Gemini, you tricky minx. We had some truly inspired insights for you today, but we just figured out how to open the closet where the human keeps the food and verily, did we feast. The food coma is upon us now, dear Gemini. Also this entire exchange is a metaphor for your life. See? We are full to bursting but contain all the wisdom of the stars.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Don't be afraid to come out your shell, you little crab. If you don't, you might miss out on a wonderful professional opportunity. Also, if you don't come out of your shell, we can't eat you, and we really love crab, I mean... definitely not eating them?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Leo, you are our favorite of all the signs because you are lion and a lion is a close relative to the cat. To that end, we have decided it would mean more to you if we were to share all the secrets of the universe with you in your mother tongue: ROOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRR PURRRRRR MEOW MEOW MEOW ROAR! Also it seems like this month it will be very easy for you to find parking spots, but only if you do not have a car.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgos, beware! We have been in touch with your landlord and he is thinking about turning the first floor into a Techno-based rave dance club called "Desirez", you know, "Desires" but with a "z." Luckily for you we see his business will fail, but not before you are driven to the verge of near madness by the thumping bass. It's okay to be upset, we hate loud noises and house music too. You can come live with us in this carpet covered condominium.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Your stars are in the ascendent, little Libra! That dream job is just around the corner. You just have to nail the interview. Make sure you get 34 hours of sleep before you head in (sleep is key, we have found) and maybe use a liquid liner for a cat-eye makeup look. Cats are beautiful, and everyone wants to give us jobs.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The thing that we, Mittens and Dale, love the most about Scorpios, is that they are represented by a scorpion. That is one heck of a scary bug! But it's pretty good at skittering, and we love to chase things that skitter. You'll be doing a lot of skittering these days, Scorpio. Keep on your toes or fate (here represented by a giant cat paw) will squish you until you are not quite dead, and then wander off to clean itself.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
If you've been on a diet, now is the time to end it. We see a lot of chocolate in your future. That's pretty exciting. I have seen many humans make upsetting noises called squeals when presented with a lot of this chocolate. Bully for you, call us when it is fishes.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Have you considered opening a business that sells individual pompoms? The pompoms should be made of varied, high quality stuff and sold at reasonable rates. We feel this enterprise would be very successful, and also that, frankly, there is currently a dearth of such fine establishments.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will rule our planet and also it will be time for you to clean the litter box. Really, you've been letting it go and the stars to not like it one bet. Yes. The stars. That's right.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Oh fishy, fishy, fishy, fish. You are the most blessed of all the star children for your star sign is blessed with the most delicious of symbols. We see a lot of tuna ingestion in your future. We can promise much prosperity if the cans of said tuna are left unattended on your kitchen floor under cover of night. This is very important for the stars and not just because we want to lick the juices.