Marie Antoinette may have been wrong about cake, but when it came to how to flirt, she was so right.
In many respects, olden times were the worst.
They were great at flirting, but stuff like curing ear infections and letting women have jobs — not so much.
Am I saying I want to go back to a time where women wore pads of horsehair and slept sitting up to preserve their impressive hairdos? Or live in an age where recreation was found by watching a hoop roll down a dusty road?
No. Because I am not insane.
That said, ye olden times were dope as hell if you were a romantic.
Today if you have a crush on someone, flirting is just going to the same bar as them and getting drunk enough to see if they will suck on your tongue. If they aren’t, you go on the internet and send winking emojis in the hopes of receiving a dick pic or an invitation to an awkward brunch.
That would never fly in olden times.
Even in the wild west, cowboys knew how to woo.
Just ask any prostitute and she would be sure to show you the wilting bouquet of daisies her beloved had procured for her.
1. Invest in a fan.
Forget flipping your hair or making meaningful eye contact. Back in the day women knew the right way to flutter their hand fans to get a fellow’s attention. There was literally an entire language dedicated to learning how to say “Lol, bae u crazy” but with a fan.
This tip is great also if you are going through the change of life.
2. Write that bitch a sonnet.
Shakespeare knew what worked: Write that bitch a sonnet! It doesn’t take a master’s degree to rhyme titty with witty.
3. Duels, guys. Duels.
There was once a time where if a dude was like “saw your girl displaying her ankles,” your husband would challenge him to a fight for your honor and one of them would die. Nowadays I consider myself lucky if the guy I’m with even blanches if a subway flasher jiggles his member in my direction.
The times, verily, they are a-changing.
4. Bring a chaperone with you on your dates.
If you are ready to head to the bone yard on a date with a fella, bring a chaperone with you. Do you have a stooped lady landlord who speaks only a little English and has partial hearing? She is an ideal candidate.
Nothing says “It’s on baby, but god I respect myself” like having an aged confused woman accompany you on said date.
There are so many other ways flirting was better back in the day? Arranged marriage? Syphilis? Mistresses accepted as common practice and dowries being a total thing? HAWT HAWT HAWT.