Photo: tabitha turner | Unsplash
It's time to become a different person after your breakup.
By Elizabeth Z Pardue
Last updated on Dec 16, 2023
Oh thank God you found this post! Now you don't have to listen to the ridiculous advice of your trusted friends, family, and astrologer, and can let the All-Knowing Internet help you get your life back on track. What could go wrong!?
Follow these simple steps to stop backsliding into that toxic relationship with your ex and give yourself the freedom you crave.
Here are 9 tiny ways not to fall for him again after a breakup:
1. Try a new hobby — and post 1,000 pictures of it
Go learn something new and useful like butchery, entity conjuring, boat construction, or whatever interests you never had the time to try when you were in a relationship. Before he calls with more of those lame lines to get you back, text him pictures of you partying with your new hobby crew.
Be sure to post pics of you thriving in your new hobby at least twice every single day so your mutual friends can see precisely how super you're doing without your ex. Because you're doing great. Seriously. So good.
2. Give yourself spontaneous midday intimate actions
Sure, some people said you were "obsessive" about your ex, but that's exactly the kind of wholehearted love you need to show yourself now. Were you planning on making him a fancy dinner? Spend a week eating the whole thing yourself in bed with a bottle of cabernet and reruns of your favorite true crime drama. And don't limit your solo dates to just evenings.
Any time you ordinarily would've sent him a text, drop everything and give yourself a spontaneous midday session instead. Every time you think about him, buy yourself something pretty that you feel fabulous in. Don't worry about the cost; you can't put a price on healing! Not only will you feel amazing, but your boost in confidence will keep you from feeling lonely or desperate ever, EVER again.
3. Block his number already
Now that you're standing on your own two feet, it's time to cut communication. No, you don't need to meet up so you can return his toothbrush or his dog or his car or whatever to him. No, you don't need to let him see his kids like you originally agreed to. No, you don't need to finish paying your half of the rent. Gross. Shut it down. Move on.
4. Sleep around
Now that you're single, you gotta do something with all that leftover energy. Get out there and have fun! You need a palate cleanser before you dive back into something serious, so explore a little of everything with anyone willing and conscious.
Be open to trying new things, and new people, and putting new types of things inside of those new types of people. Be sure to use protection!
5. Eat all the kale. All of it
Have you heard about kale yet? It's an obscure "superfood," which means it's THE only food you need to eat to completely take care of your body, finances, intrapersonal relationships, and mind. While you're trying to get over someone, your system needs extra TLC to detox all that negative energy, so be sure to only eat fresh, local, organic, heirloom, raw, handpicked kale that has been nurtured with Appalachian mineral spring water.
Soon, you'll have a brand new body to go with this brand new life away from whatshisname, who keeps posting unhealthy, socially unaware dinners on his Insta feed just so that skank from his office can comment "NOM NOM lol!" like an idiot. GOD everything he does is seriously the worst. But not you. You have kale now.
6. Get with his best friend
Cap off your marathon by taking his bestie for a ride. Haters may judge you for it, but breaking that taboo will make for some crazy-hot intimacy, which you deserve. Plus, once your ex finds out, he'll leave you alone for sure.
Of course, there's always the chance this will send him into a jealous, homicidal rage, but if he ends up behind bars, he's out of your life for good, girl!
7. Burn all his stuff
There's no better way to eliminate the bad energy between you and start fresh than with a powerful fire ceremony. Civilizations across the globe have embraced these for centuries, but you can customize your own in a controlled burn area, like your ex's front lawn.
Take all those clothes you can't fit into anymore (thanks, kale!!) and set them ablaze as you release your hatred into the pyre with your hands outstretched, chanting his name and facing his front door. This works best under a full moon while wearing a hooded cloak along with some similarly dressed friends. #teamwork
(Safety tip: DO calmly explain to him what's going on if he sees your ritual and shows alarm. You don't want him to call the cops because he thinks you're trying to burn his place down!)
8. Assume a new identity
It's safe to say you are not the same person you were back when you were with whatshisname and the New You needs a new look to help you retain your power. Give yourself a head-to-toe makeover, trying all the new hair colors, body piercings, tattoos, and clothes you were always too afraid to before now. Then, get your name legally changed to match your new persona — something like "Roxy."
That Plain Jane your ex is pressing charges against doesn't exist anymore. Now, there's only Roxy. Be sure to address yourself in the third person for a while until everyone gets used to it. That's what Roxy would do. Roxy knows best.
9. But seriously: Move on already
Now that you've transformed and cleansed yourself of this awful chapter, nothing is holding you back. As Roxy, you dare to ignore your landlord, your parole officer, or anyone who may try to stand in your way and create your adventure.
Pack your necessities in a bag, leave your possessions on the street, throw your phone away, and leave town immediately, preferably without leaving a paper trail. Sell your ex's car for travel cash, and borrow the first parked motorcycle you can find. It's better gas mileage and, when it runs out of fuel, you just exchange it for another one.
Use your new butchery or boat construction skills to land some temp gigs on the road. When people start getting nosy and asking questions about your old life, pack it up and keep moving. Freedom!
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Liz Pardue-Schultz is a writer and mental health advocate who writes about relationships and mental health. Her work has appeared in the Huffington Post, Time, and Thought Catalog.