What have you done for your vagina lately?
Your vagina is important. In fact, take a moment to thank it for existing. If you feel so moved and are not in a public place, give it an amiable pat and say, “Nice job down there, lady!” If you are in a public place you can still do this. Just understand that I will not be held liable should you be arrested and/or lose your current employment.
When it comes time to primp and preen our bodies, our poor rabbit holes often go neglected. I could spend hours steam, prodding, extracting, and treating my face skin, but verily have I left my vagina bored and untreated but for the monthly insertion of tampons and the occasional fingering by a handsome and digitally blessed dude.
That all stops now. It’s time to give our vaginas the same pampering we give our other parts. Luckily, we live in an age of marvels, and there is virtually no end in sight when it comes to fancy new treatments for our vaginas.
Actress Shailene Woodley famously brought her practice of sunning her vagina into the mainstream in an interview with TheCut. Vitamin D is good for you, but having to announce to your friends that you have vagina cancer from sunning your nethers sounds just mortifying.
2. Vagina Facial
This treatment is kind of misnamed. I know because I’ve had one. They called it a "Peach Smoothie". A vagina facial is a normal facial but performed on your front bottom. They keep it to your pubic mound, and it is strangely soothing. If you’ve always wanted to a return to babyhood, this one is for you. It’s like getting your diaper changed by an affable stranger minus the relieving of your bowels.
3. Steam Bath
This treatment. Sounds. Bananas. I’m scared, but I also want to do it everyday? I’ve got feelings about it, you guys! So imagine a steam room, except instead of a room, all of the steam is relegated to the base of a chair and enters your lady treasure through a hole in said chair. REFRESHING? TERRIFYING? A heady combination of the two. This treatment is thought to increase your oxygen flow and detox your whole kit and caboodle.
4. Vaginal Knitting
Sure, this originally began as performance art, with said artist knitting using skeins of wool she kept in her vagina, but crafts are a great idea for relaxation and recentering. Wool might be a bit intense though. Maybe start of slow with like, silk or something.
5. Vampire Treatments
Imagine having your own blood removed from your body only to have it injected back inside your vagina. No, this is not a bizarre torture technique, it’s a form of vaginal therapy that allegedly makes everything feel radical and awesome. If you are into pain, maybe give it a go. But if you come near me with those needles I will end you.
Would you ever try any of these treatments? As for myself, I’ve long considered getting into knitting, so ...