I Tried The '50 Shades Of Grey' Sex Toys (And So Did My Cat)

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50 Shades Of Grey Sex Toys Review

I wasn't that turned on, but my pussy was. Yes, my actual cat.

When I learned that 50 Shades of Grey sex toys existed, I was not remotely surprised. What Barney did for purple dinosaurs, 50 Shades has done for BDSM.

(You’re welcome for that association, by the way.)

I’m not a passionate devotee of the trilogy, having read only the first book and giving the movie a miss. I will admit to being scandalously hot and bothered while reading the first one of the subway.

Initially this was because I found the syntax unbearable, but eventually I just really wanted 10 minutes in Christian’s red room of pain.

Because I am a human woman with a sex drive, I get why the books are successful. I don’t begrudge anyone their pleasures. Far be it for me to yuck the yum another, I say.

It was with this laissez faire attitude that I sampled the many pleasures on offer by LoveHoney.com’s official 50 Shades collection.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), my toys arrived not long after I parted ways with my bedfellow Dom. This was unfortunate because a few of the items were designed for couples in mind.

But I've never been one to let a good gathering of sex toys go to waste.

Thus, I got to work.

1.The Grey Feather Tickler 

This was pretty impossible to use alone to much effect. Luckily, my cat Batman quickly adopted it as his new favorite toy (the kinky beast).

Seriously, if I couldn't find him around the house I'd just take it out and he'd appear. It was pretty creepy.

Anyway, we have enjoyed many hours together playing with it, though probably not as the fine folks at LoveHoney.com intended.

2. The No Peeking Love Masks

These would have been ideal for Dom, since he’s very sensitive to light when he’s trying to sleep. But again, hard to play around with blindfolds all on your lonesome.

Luckily we got new street lights installed around this time and even I, the deepest sleeper on the planet, needed an assist in the dark department.

3. The Holy Cow Wand Massager 

This is one toy I could take full advantage of and then some. It’s like a smaller, sleeker, cooler, take on the classic Hitachi magic wand. It is rechargeable via USB and comes with a deeply cheesy red storage bag. This is all E.L. James approved.

Try not to think of E.L. James while you are straining for that magical release.

I dare you.

4. The Nothing But Sensation Nipple Teasers

You can use these with a partner or solo. If you are using them solo you might find, as I did, that as titillating as the sensation may be, running around with them stuck to your boobs in your apartment while doing ordinary tasks like laundry is almost more entertaining.

5. The Massage Me Massage Oil Candle

This is designed to drip seductively onto your partner. I was solo, so rather than try this, I dripped the wax on my feet created a rich, bergamot scented wax treatment — suck it, overpriced pedicures!

I can’t say that these toys were anything other than run of the mill, but that might be because I’m not the world’s number one 50 Shades of Grey fan.

I mean, if they released an X-Men themed sex toy collection I would not be able to help myself: I would buy each and every item.

Can you even imagine what a Jubilee-themed magic bullet would look like? Because I can, I have, and I should probably stop.

How about you, would you give these toys a shot?


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