A woman can be defined by a good many of her possessions. One just happens to be her vibrator.
Everything I read on Salon.com suggests that men are on perilously thin ice when it comes to our usefulness. Sure, the first sex robots will be anatomically female and feature narrow, shallow-set vaginas, but in almost every other sector of life, we're on the way out (act accordingly).
Never has this been truer than when it comes to sexual stimulating devices for women. Gone are the days when Freud and his contemporaries would attach a wooden spoon to a mule on a treadmill and try to orgasm the hysteria out of some poor lady.
But now that there are a plethora of "marital aids," or sex toys, they say a lot more about their owner than just needing a helping hand getting off. Here's what your choice of vibrator says about you (and it's not that you're quite satiable).
1. The Bullet
You're discreet. You're probably a proud proponent of the Pareto Principle (i.e., 80 percent of your results come from 20 percent of your efforts), not to mention alliteration. While you may not generally be very quiet, you're ruthlessly efficient with your time and energy. You always put your keys in the same place.
We recommend: Power Bullet Mini Vibrator
2. Remote-control panties
You've read Fifty Shades Of Grey in its entirety. You may have seen the midnight showing of the movie. "Love Me Like You Do" is probably a ringtone you have set for a special someone on your phone. Something about giving over control is incredibly attractive to you.
Maybe you're expected to have all the answers in your regular life and it either makes you feel stressed out or, worse, like a fraud. Maybe you just want someone else to make a few decisions in your life.
We recommend: Remote Control Vibrating Panty
3. Double-bladed dildo
You live big. But what's the point to living big if you can't take your friends for the ride? OK, maybe you don't live big, but you appreciate both reciprocity in all things and the great pleasure in sharing an identical experience with someone you really care about.
You work well with others and likely have the kind of rhythm, emotional or otherwise, that one of Usher's backup dancers would kill for. Or maybe you have a special place in your heart for Darth Maul.
We recommend: Ripple 18-Incher
4. A personal massager
You're either horrible at planning, attempting a sexual awakening completely by yourself, or have an unfathomable amount of store credit from Sharper Image. Maybe all three. The great news is that you're probably very pragmatic.
Sometimes that pragmatism comes out as pessimism, unfortunately. But all things being equal, it looks like you've finally embraced the idea that you could use more pleasure in your life and damn what the neighbors think.
We recommend: Univen Ultra-Powerful Wand Massager
5. Giant dildo
You're a lusty individual. You work hard and you want to play hard. You deserve the best. Because your personal standards are so high, you're often disappointed with other people's efforts.
But fear not! Someone exists who will meet the level of achievement in the field of excellence which you require. You just have to be willing to give them a chance and write off small failures as growing pains.
We recommend: Master Series Giant Inflatable Dildo
6. Vibrator disguised as something else
Maybe you like having a secret. Maybe you feel like your sexuality is none of my damn business. Maybe your roommate in college had one of those fake soup cans that held weed and you thought it was cool. And maybe you do a terrible job of putting things away and don't want to be embarrassed.
We recommend: LeLuv Purple Lipstick Vibrator In Disguise
7. The Rabbit
It's basic mathematics with you, and two is better than one. You've spent a considerable amount of time figuring out what you like and what you don't. While you're not afraid of taboo, you're not particularly into defying them for the sake of defiance.
You're a cut-throat decision-maker but willing to compromise if it's the most expedient thing. While you appreciate novelty, you're just as happy to settle for tried-and-true.
We recommend: Ultimate G-Spot Hummer 16 Function
8. Anatomically identical toy
You're a completist. You don't leave movies early. You gut out things even if they're really difficult. You may even have a touch of OCD. Were you an aficionado of model miniatures, your dioramas would be the stuff of legend.
Part of your drive for excellence is guilt, but the good news for you is that you're able to derive pleasure from your dogged and persnickety nature. You may have to get used to the fact that there will probably never be enough coasters in the whole world for all the drinks set down in your vicinity.
We recommend: Tasty Tony Realistic Dildo