I Hated My Own Body So Much It Almost Killed Me

Photo: Courtesy of the author
body image and low self esteem anorexia

My sister sent me an email after our "lunch." The subject read, "I love you. Are you listening?"

For far too long I abused my beautiful body.

I talked down to her. I lied to her. I fought with her.

I created good and bad food lists for her to live by.

I punished her.

I chose to not nourish her.

I chose to hide her away because I was ashamed of her.

She was both my abused child and my abuser.

She was my worst enemy.

In return she was fearful.

She had no hope.

She didn't live.

In fact, She died a little more every single day.

Then one day my older sister met me to go shopping. We went to lunch. She ate as I chewed on ice.

The next day I got an email from her. The subject line read, "I love you. Are you listening?

She said she cried the entire way home because I looked like I was going to die. Attached to the email was a list of doctors. She offered to help me get well. She didn't want me to die.  

I tried to make excuses. I told her I had an overactive thyroid. 

Another lie to cover up the truth —​ I didn't feel worthy enough to live.

At 5 feet 10 inches tall, I weighed 96 pounds. Yes, I was dying.

About a week later I was moving items around in my basement and scraped my leg along side a cardboard box. It was a simple scrape, not even a cut. 

Two hours later my leg was still bleeding. I was so malnourished that my blood would not coagulate.

I went to the emergency room that night and will never forget what I saw. As I was putting on the gown I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the back of a bathroom door. There were 2 mirrors across from one another and I could see my back for the first time.

I could see every bone in my back.

Over the next few weeks I began eating more and more. I wasn't over eating and I wasn't eating junk. I Just began eating. Soon, my hair was starting to grow and my skin began glowing again. As I got stronger, my mind became healthier.

It took almost 8 years for my menstrual cycle to return.

Every month since my menstrual cycle has returned, I have bought myself a dress. The dress serves as a simple reminder to treat myself. To be good to myself!

The dress reminds me that I deserve to live. It reminds me that it's OK to have the curves of a woman. 

I bought my new dress today!

To any of you who have ever felt the same ...

I love you. Are you listening?




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