Why Watching X-Rated Erotic Porn Makes Me A MUCH Better Wife

Photo: weheartit
Reading erotic fiction makes me a better wife
Love, Sex

I simply couldn't handle spontaneous sex. Until...

Being a survivor of sexual abuse is no piece of cake. It has affected my life in many ways. I was a young child then, led a very sheltered lifestyle, and at age 10 had absolutely no idea what had happened to me.

I did know it wasn't OK — the weird feeling in my gut told me so. And so did the fact that the man who raped me told me to not tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone; I suffered in silence and grew up.

In my sheltered religious lifestyle, sex isn't talked about — and definitely not in public. You're supposed to wait until marriage and that's what I did. I got married to a most wonderful, gentle man.

Since the night of the wedding was the first time we were together, we didn't expect it to be anything spectacular. And it wasn't. I had a hard time dealing with the sexual part of marriage. I wasn't looking forward to it and I had no desire for it. I was more than happy to be married without ever being intimate.

I couldn't handle spontaneous sex. It actually took me a while to make the connection with my sexual abuse and my inability to enjoy the pleasures of sexual intercourse. I couldn't muster up the courage to tell my husband about my past. He had no idea why his wife kept rejecting him.

I remember being together with my sister on vacation. On one of our hikes, the conversation turned to our marriages, our spouses and our sex lives. When she told me that she looked forward to being intimate with her husband and loved it, I looked at her as if she was crazy. I couldn't comprehend that there were such women around.

I was jealous. I wanted to want being with my husband. I wanted to look forward to being intimate, not dread it.

It took me 10 years but I finally told him about the abuse. It happened twice but I could only tell him about the one time a stranger raped me. I couldn't really tell him that the second time was my own father who molested me and scarred me for life. This is a secret I'll keep forever. He took it quite well, considering.

I could finally tell him the real reason I was having so much trouble being with him. To me, this whole act reminded me of a time when I wasn't ready, when I was taken advantage of.

I was happy to make him understand that the problem wasn't him — it was me. He was trying very hard to understand me but it wasn't easy. Here and there he couldn't stop himself from criticizing my performance.

I was having such difficulty with spontaneous sex that we had decided to schedule it. I wanted to satisfy my husband but it had to be on my terms. I needed to know when it would happen so I could prepare emotionally.

We decided on twice a week. One hurdle was out of the way. I knew when to expect it. I still had another problem, though: I couldn't get aroused. I didn't get excited; I felt nothing down there. As expected, this didn't make for great sex.

As a religious girl, porn was a big no-no. But when I saw how much my husband needed me to be excited, to look forward to sex, I decided to try reading erotic fiction. I went online and found a site for erotic stories. I started reading them on the days my husband and I were scheduled to be together. And it actually aroused me!

I have heard this from quite a few sexual abuse survivors. They all told me they had no actual interest in sex themselves but loved reading about or watching sexual material.

By the time my husband came home, I was very much in the mood. My husband appreciated it so much and I was happy that I could do this for him and for us. As time went on, the text alone didn't do it for me so I graduated to watching actual porn.

Watching other people have sex always turned me on. The more authentic, the better. I do feel guilty about it, but as it literally saves my marriage, I'm not willing to give it up so soon.

I still have a hard time doing some of the things my husband wants, but overall our sex life is so much better than what it used to be. I'm not always in the mood because I know that before I can be with my husband I need to prepare myself — and it's work. To get one's mindset from "not in the mood" to aroused can take a while, and I consider it work because I don't actually enjoy the preparation.

It takes an hour to "warm up," so I need my mind to get in the mood for preparing. Porn is not my pastime of choice but I have to do it in order to get in the mood. It's more of the mindset of "Oh no, I have to prepare again..." Once I'm aroused, though, I'm happy to be with my husband.

We still don't have spontaneous sex because I can't handle it. Maybe one day I will. Baby steps. And if watching porn makes me a better wife, that's what I will do.

Author
Blogger