I didn't know shit about being a new mom.
When I got knocked-up for the first time, I had everything all figured out. I knew what kind of mom I would be, the type of environment I would create for my son, and how I would lead a brilliant, easy-going lifestyle for my family. I could seriously go back and smack myself for being so naive.
Here are the top nine things that prove that, as a first time preggo, I had no idea what I was talking about.
1. "I'm so tired."
Preggo: I barely slept because I woke up a million times to pee, then had to work at my desk job all day, then only got to take an hour-long nap when I got home.
New Mom: I've been awake for approximately three days straight, haven't eaten anything but coffee, made 47 bottles, sang no less than 600 songs, changed 1,500 diapers, cleaned poop off of me and the baby and the floor, cleaned spit-up off me and the baby and the cat, went grocery shopping, went to the doctor and the pharmacy, went back to the grocery store for the things I forgot, and I still have laundry and dishes to do. I think I can smell colors.
2. "Why would any mom take kids out when they are crying/sleepy/hungry?"
Preggo: Just look at that poor mom dragging her kids through the store and they are obviously so upset. Geez, just take them home, it's not worth all that frustration.
New Mom: I bow down to your mom skills that allow you to take three screaming (yet clean and dressed) children out of the house to get the groceries you so desperately need, all while having such a cool and collected demeanor. If you ever decided to write a book, I will buy every copy. Please teach me your ways!
3. "I'm excellent with time management and can use that skill as a new mom."
Preggo: I'm the greatest multi-tasker at my job and will create an efficient and successful schedule for my family.
New Mom: When did I shower last?
4. "I want to be a full-time SAHM. I'm ready to leave the work force."
Preggo: I have been working since I was 14. It's time to devote my life to a new, exciting career as a stay-at-home mom. I am going to fill our days with educational activities, trips to the park and the zoo, and playdates every week.
New Mom: I miss adults and coffee and lunch time! I'm too brain dead for educational anything. The zoo is too far away and it's too hot outside for the park. Everyone is too busy for playdates, but honestly I don't even care if our kids even play together — I just want to hang out with another adult and talk about Mad Men.
5. "Of course I'll sleep when the baby sleeps."
Preggo: I need to rest in order to be ready for a busy little baby. When he sleeps, I'll sleep with him and we can bond and cuddle.
New Mom: OMG why does he need to be touching me all the time!? As soon as he falls asleep, I am going to stuff my face full of leftover pizza while sitting on the toilet, cutting my nails, checking Facebook, and folding laundry.
6. "I'm going to get right back into shape."
Preggo: No excuses! I am going to make time to exercise every day even if it's just a little bit. Since I'm already eating so healthy, I will just continue this excellent, nutritional diet.
New Mom: This is the fourth day in a row I ate McDonald's while driving my colicky baby around town. If we're home, he cries and I don't eat. If we get in the car, he stops crying and I get to eat french fries. It's a win-win!
7. "I definitely won't make any rash, hormonal decisions like chopping off all my hair."
Preggo: Every new mom I know cuts her hair into that typical "new mom" hairdo. A pony tail works just fine. *flicks luscious locks over shoulders*
New Mom: I have the worst migraine ever from this bird's nest knot on top of my head. I don't have time to brush this 'do and it's all falling out anyway. Cut it off!
8. "I can't imagine using the TV as a baby sitter. That's just lazy parenting."
Preggo: There's no reason why babies should be sat in front of the television. There's always something fun to do.
New Mom: Here are all my valid reasons for TV time: I have to pee, poop, make coffee, eat, make a bottle, find my coffee, check Facebook, just zone out for like 10 minutes, look for my coffee again, cry a little, Google "stuff to do with babies."
9. "I'm never getting out of these maternity clothes. No buttons, no zippers, this is a dream come true."
Preggo: Maternity pants are the best invention in the history of ever! They always fit, even after a large meal. There's never any butt crack. I don't have to worry about muffin top, shrinking, and button indentations in my skin. And I could power walk all day long without having to adjust my pants.
New Mom: Actually this is still true. My giant hips and deflated tummy totally boss down any jeans I try on, even the high-waist ones. Most of the time I'm bloated and uncomfortable and chasing a crawling baby around all day requires a billion pant adjustments. But my maternity pants still look killer on me, fit like a glove, and are always comfortable. Maternity pants 4eva.
Rielly is an expert in all things pop culture and writes about female geek life and parenting on her blog RiellyGeek. She's married to a Sith, has an awesome minion in training, and is the proud property of an old cat. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook.
This article was originally published at Scary Mommy. Reprinted with permission from the author.