Watch Ken Burns documentaries at your own peril.
As I recently had to explain to an old lady on the train this week, Netflix and chill doesn't mean "get comfortable and watch Netflix." Rather, it means "let's watch a movie" or "come up to my chamber and wonder at my etchings" or "this is an invitation to the pants party and you are very much invited."
It's what the kids are saying, and presumably (god help us) doing.
If you've decided that you and your partner should take your genitals and make them cool enough to hashtag on Twitter, I salute you. But be wary: Sometimes a passionate session of living room ugly-bumping (also known as sex) can turn into a documentary marathon and snuggly nap. Here's what to what to watch out for.
1. You put on The Shining.
Ain't no one's dick getting grabbed during The Shining. And if a dick IS grabbed, it's usually out of panic and or fear, emotions that have been know to lead to dick-mangling.
2. He's wearing basketball shorts.
You shaved your legs like a goddamn sensual adult woman all for the promise of nookie, and he arrives to the evening's activities wearing his finest basketball shorts. I don't care how clean they are, we can smell ball sweat from the year you bought the damn things. And verily, no clits were engorged this day.
3. You're eating hot pockets.
Nothing makes you do a 180 from "wanna f*ck?" to "my ass is raining fire" quite like the sweet and savory flavor of America's favorite meat-waste snack pocket.
4. There's a fleece blanket within arm's reach.
The only thing that can tame the fiery ardor of a couple eager to bone on a futon is the presence of a fleece blanket. Now, I'm not saying fleece isn't erotic; I'm just saying it's snuggly as hell and once you're all wrapped in it, not even the best orgasm in the world is going to pry you from its fluffy thrall. But maybe you can still do some hand stuff? Up to you.
5. Michael Moore makes an appearance.
You guys let Netflix do its thing while you do your thang, and all of the sudden you realize Michael Moore is talking about child death via handguns. Guess what doesn't get anyone wet? THAT. Pretty sure that's what the Pope listens to every night to quell his own urges.
6. You're watching a movie with Tom Hardy in it.
Tom Hardy is deeply arousing to people of any and all sexual orientations. But he's almost TOO good looking. If you watch a movie starring Tom Hardy, the odds are high that you and your partner will avoid coitus for fear of letting loose his name during the pivotal moment.
7. You're wearing a sports bra.
You just wanted to be cozy for snuggle and bang-time with your honey, but now you're realizing that in order to get your swerve on, you're going to have to do the drunk-snake dance out of the damn thing. Best to just let him appreciate your uniboob from a distance and marvel at its mysteries.