The Heartbreaking Reality Of Being The Wife Of A Sex And Porn Addict

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porn addiction
Heartbreak

And the most heartbreaking part: I still love him.

I live a double life.

If you saw me in public, you wouldn't give me a second thought. I'm your normal, everyday woman, participating in life, like an average joe. But there's a part of me you don't know.

Who am I? I appear to be woman who lives in the present, but truthfully, I'm trapped in the past — with him. I'm the ex-wife of a porn addict.

Imagine you have escaped from a mental institution that no one knew you were in. Your waking hours are spent constantly and consistently looking over your shoulder, living each day in paranoid fear, wondering who really likes you, who is out to get you, and who knows your dirty little secret.

Every woman you see silently mocks you, driving you further into the abyss of insanity from which you cannot escape. Your mind races through years of stored information, profiling each one to see if she was one that took him from you.

Those precious private hours that should have brought you solace and rest are instead spent honing and perfecting the technique of hiding the heartwrenching pain that unsuspecting people of the world unknowingly trigger.

You train yourself to tame the flood of memories that burst forth with a will of their own. Your mind taunts you with wretched reminders of how you weren’t good enough, sexy enough, or loved enough to keep your husband.

Each of your days are spent hurting and crying silently, with pleading hope that he will somehow feel your pain and come running back, making it all better. Your nights are spent in longing, for those words you will never hear: "I'm sorry. I need help," as a new wave of self-loathing crashes over you.

You drown in the regret from that one moment of weakness when you could no longer bear your secret alone, telling the few friends you had left about this living hell you find yourself trapped in.

You've learned to swallow down the enthusiastic way they tell you how much better life is going to be, knowing all the while that life will never be the same without him.

You understand your friend's intentions, of course, because they're doing all they know how to, considering. Yet they still don't understand how you could still love him. You look on with a smile because life goes on, whether you want it to or not. You tell yourself to accept the fact: He's never coming back.

All of this pain you can learn to handle — that's the easy part. But the greatest battle you will face is when you realize you're your own worst enemy. The battle between the love and the hate you feel for him paralyzes you.

You deprive those around you from taking action on your behalf, though you know it would only help your family. You pitifully pride yourself on your strength and resolve, refusing to give up hope that he will one day break free of the chains that bind him.

It's your private hell that keeps you in a place of limbo: neither present nor future.

Self preservation, another tool in your arsenal, protects you from reality. No matter how you try, your mind cannot purge the images of the unknown women that have laid in his arms, where you never shall again rest your head.

You hungrily swallow up the lies and promises, like an antidote, that he has told to others. You believe his lies because you want to, but all the while you're dying on the inside.

You bravely wrestle, with the last of your strength, all of your hopes and dreams (along with the memories of the man you pledged your life to) and lock them safely away so they can harm no one else. "Til death do you part" takes on a whole new meaning for you, because only death would take away the pain of what cannot be changed. 

Making it through each day takes everything you have. And no matter how much time has passed, you find you cannot overpower the truth. There is no going back. The "what might have been" is as imagined as your sanity. Fair or not. It is what it is.

You breathe with a sigh of relief that the world doesn't know. We just smile and keep moving forward. Inside, you die, and try, and cry, but you keep going, fighting the tension of the matrimonial cord that keeps you bound to your loved one.

Why? Because you know he has you trapped and you cannot leave him. But you cannot save him either. Only he can save himself, but he won’t.

He's in love with the pain, completely oblivious to the suffering you feel. There are brief moments of exceptions when the truth seeps in. But too brief, before succumbing once again to the dark side.

The secret I carry should make me a superhero, for no one else could bear up under the weight of it. My superpower is love. It never dies, never gives up hope, and for me it can never bring back what I lost.

This is my secret life. I walk among you, and you unaware, because I'm a superhero, and no one knows.

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