How DARE he?
All your life you have been taught you are a precious flower/child of God/future President, and, most of all, just plain special.
You're not just some old canvas bag that can be tossed into the trunk of an un-ironic Chevy Impala. You, my Chrysanthemum, are a lady and a scholar, the human equivalent of an Yves Saint Laurent alligator tote.
As such, you have come to expect certain things from anyone lucky enough to be at your side.
Here are 11 dating deal-breakers so heinous, we shudder to even mention them (but sometimes you must look the horror squarely in the eye, because you are brave and unafraid):
1. His apartment is messy (ew).
You've worked hard all day cashing those trust fund checks, the last thing you need when you come to his place is Standard Bachelor Filth. SBF is a condition that encroaches on millions of male Americans with each passing year they spend alone.
Forget dust in the corners, you've been watching that Q-tip with unidentifiable gunk on it atrophy on the bathroom floor for weeks. Frankly you'd rather he were homeless — LOL!
2. He makes me eat food.
How many times have you told him you were off dairy this month? And still he cooked chicken parmigiana for 10 people at your house with real provolone instead of soy!
(And it wasn't even organic chicken, but let's not open that can of worms.)
3. He vapes.
So sick of that STEAM coming at you! Does he have no respect for your physical health, sensory environment and the integrity of your energetic field?
Sure it’s not as damaging as cigarette smoke, but propylene glycol = no bueno.
4. He's not on Twitter.
The whole point of being in a relationship is that you pick up on each other's social media presence.
What's the point of dating someone who has less Twitter followers than you? (Like they used to do in the Olden times.)
5. His book hasn't been published.
Okay, he wrote a book. Blah blah — so what? Where's the book deal? He should have an agent and a publishing house by now otherwise what's the point of writing?
If he quit writing he could spend more time on Instagram, where he could increase his platform — because he actually has nice hair.
6. He doesn't work out enough. :-(
He once admitted he doesn't even believe in alternating arm and leg days, and you can tell he does absolutely no core work.
You don't live in a coastal city of the United States so you'll have to deal with this shit. He should get into a strong yoga practice or lose your freaking number.
7. He doesn't have a Mac — just some old PC.
This one is too disturbing to even contemplate. That weird right clicky thing that insists on activating every time you try to scroll down to read the writing he insists on sharing with you, it's downright traumatic.
Can we just move on?
8. He doesn't have Apple TV.
You don't want to harp but, you just. Can't.
If you cannot watch every single movie ever made in HD at all hours of night and day instantly in your home then how do you still call yourself a human?
9. He works too much.
Your boyfriend actually has to "make a living." Can you imagine?
All that time he could be gazing at you in rapt adoration and he chooses to spend it... "working." How rude.
10. He goes down on me too much.
How many times do you have to explain to him that your ph is not ready for primetime before he respects your boundaries? You know all too well that you are a goddess, because the internet told you so, and also you went on a retreat where an old crone with fantastic sandals waved a piece of turquoise over your Yoni.
Nevertheless, sometimes giving head can be an act of male entitlement/micro-agression — so just slow down killer!
11. He won't marry me.
And after all that he refuses to marry you? Gurrrl, I'm here to tell you you don't have to put up with this BS, okay?
You're an attractive, viable human and there is no reason why you have to put up with the sort of neglect, disrespect and downright abuse I mentioned earlier.
Sounds like you have a touch of the Stockholm Syndrome, geez. Get out while you still can ... but not before you get yourself a better boyfriend!
(Don't be silly. Nothing is worse than having to change your Facebook status back to "nothing" like a loser. Do you really want to go back to being a total fucking "nothing" like you were before? What's wrong with you?)
Good talk, though.