Go ahead, give yourself a low five.
As we move towards a more progressive and open culture (trust me, it's happening), topics that were formerly taboo and now be discussed in an mature, adult way.
Well, I have yet to experience one of those "adult" conversations, and so far topics like masturbation only come up in my circle of friends after we've all had a lot of wine. Like, a lot.
So in an effort to be more open with the world (well, everyone in the world BUT my parents), I rounded up some slightly classier ways to say masturbate. Through this experiment I realized something very important: pretty much every sentence in the universe can describe masturbation, if you say it with some nice, sexy undertones.
Though some more commonly used by men, I say to hell with the gender exclusivity! If you want tell your roommate not to come in because you're currently jacking off, then go for it.
Or, try one of these (somewhat) subtler suggestions we learned from our creative friends and the internet:
1. Take myself for a walk
2. Flick the bean
3. Ride the great white knuckler
4. Make a withdrawal
5. Pound the pony
6. Pump gas at the self-service island
7. Caulk the tube sock
8. Mix the baby gravy
3. Go on a date with Rosy Palm and her five sisters
10. Ride the shame train
11. Drive the skin bus
12. Spank the monkey
13. Do the five knuckle shuffle
14. Shake hands with the champ
15. Take a solo trip to Happy Town, population: Me
16. Submit myself for peer review
17. Knock one out
19. Cry in the shower
20. Stretch the turtleneck
21. Self medicate
22. Talk to the hand
23. One guy, one cup
24. Batting practice
25. Give yourself a low five
26. Visit the glue factory
27. Ice the churro
28. Be your own best friend
29. Audition the finger puppets
30. Anger the pickle
31. Release the hounds
32. Keep the census down
33. Keep a date with Fisty Palmer
34. Take some "me time"
35. Squeeze out a victory
36. Play tag with the pink torpedo
37. Tug-of-war with the cyclops
38. Shake hands with the unemployed
39. Squeeze out the DNA juice
40. Choke the chicken
41. Appease the cheese
42. Banana squeezing
43. Beat the bologna
44. Ben your Franklin
46. Free the captive ninja
47. Play a solo on my private organ
48. Wind up the cock clock
49. Cruzin' then oozin'