49 OMG Ways To Say You’re Masturbating (That You’ve NEVER Heard)

Photo: WeHeartIt
girl in bed
Buzz, Sex

Go ahead, give yourself a low five.

As we move towards a more progressive and open culture (trust me, it's happening), topics that were formerly taboo and now be discussed in an mature, adult way. 

Well, I have yet to experience one of those "adult" conversations, and so far topics like masturbation only come up in my circle of friends after we've all had a lot of wine. Like, a lot. 

So in an effort to be more open with the world (well, everyone in the world BUT my parents), I rounded up some slightly classier ways to say masturbate. Through this experiment I realized something very important: pretty much every sentence in the universe can describe masturbation, if you say it with some nice, sexy undertones. 

Though some more commonly used by men, I say to hell with the gender exclusivity! If you want tell your roommate not to come in because you're currently jacking off, then go for it.

Or, try one of these (somewhat) subtler suggestions we learned from our creative friends and the internet: 

1. Take myself for a walk

2. Flick the bean

3. Ride the great white knuckler

4. Make a withdrawal

5. Pound the pony


6. Pump gas at the self-service island

7. Caulk the tube sock

8. Mix the baby gravy

3. Go on a date with Rosy Palm and her five sisters

10. Ride the shame train


11. Drive the skin bus

12. Spank the monkey

13. Do the five knuckle shuffle

14. Shake hands with the champ

15. Take a solo trip to Happy Town, population: Me


16. Submit myself for peer review

17. Knock one out

18. Monologuing 

19. Cry in the shower

20. Stretch the turtleneck


21. Self medicate

22. Talk to the hand

23. One guy, one cup

24. Batting practice

25. Give yourself a low five


26. Visit the glue factory

27. Ice the churro

28. Be your own best friend

29. Audition the finger puppets

30. Anger the pickle


31. Release the hounds

32. Keep the census down

33. Keep a date with Fisty Palmer

34. Take some "me time"

35. Squeeze out a victory


36. Play tag with the pink torpedo

37. Tug-of-war with the cyclops

38. Shake hands with the unemployed

39. Squeeze out the DNA juice

40. Choke the chicken


41. Appease the cheese

42. Banana squeezing

43. Beat the bologna

44. Ben your Franklin

45. Shag-yer-self


46. Free the captive ninja

47. Play a solo on my private organ

48. Wind up the cock clock

49. Cruzin' then oozin'


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