Your BRUTALLY Honest Life Horoscope (For People Who Hate Horoscopes)

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Your Daily Totally Accurate Horoscope

I have consulted the stars, and they were like, "What's up, girl?!" Because they are drunk.

Every morning when I wake up, I do the same thing: Consult the night stars. That's because I sleep during the day not unlike a vampire. I mean, before I consult the night stars I usually have some Frosted Flakes, because while I keep vampire hours, I subsist on the blood of other mortals. (Also, Frosted Flakes is delicious and even if blood were my primary source of caloric intake, I'm pretty sure I would still eat Frosted Flakes.)

But that's irrelevant. We aren't here to discuss my breakfast habits (as fascinating and sexy as they may be); we're here to consult the zodiac and deconstruct their varied mysteries in the hopes of passing on to you some wisdom that will help you with your everyday life, in the form of a very helpful horoscope.

Because the moon is currently in the cheese house, as a general rule don't hire any men named Brian to work at your place of employ. Verily, this augurs nothing but evil for you. And now, the specifics!

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You might want to avoid mountain climbing today. If you're reading this on a mountain, please disregard this and do your best to make no eye contact with goats who seem like they might potentially be mean-spirited in temperament.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you meet Benedict Cumberbatch today, he will tell you a secret. If you don't meet Benedict Cumberbatch today, don't worry: You will. You will.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

It's a great time of year to pick up a new hobby. The stars have aligned in such a way as to indicate that body-painting is where it's at for you, lucky Gemini. Be sure to apply petroleum jelly to your nips before you get going, because chafing is no laughing matter.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You know what would be a great idea, Cancer? Approach someone in your life and look them very earnestly in the eye while standing too close, and say, "What are we doing, really, Tom?" You don't have to call them Tom; you can use whatever their name actually is. But I feel like it's probably Tom.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

If you're a Leo, be very careful when it comes to eating pizza or drinking coffee. The stars say that you're going to burn the ever-loving-pete out of your tongue today, which sucks because they ALSO say today is supposed to be the best day for some serious frenching.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Two words for you, Virgo: Banana Cat.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You know how they always say to dance like no one's watching? Someone is watching you, Libra. Now, I can't definitively say that it's JLo, but I can't definitively NOT say that either, you feel me?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Prepare for a long journey. Make sure your passport is ready. Renew your concealed weapon license. Sharpen some stakes. It's very vampire-y in Romania this time of year. Also, you're a vampire hunter — surprise!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You're either going to lose a tooth today or make an important scientific discovery. Maybe both? Maybe a scientific discovery about spontaneous adult tooth loss? I'm sorry I can't be more specific; I'm very, very drunk.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You've been contemplating drinking a gallon of water every day for a week to see if you can reap the health benefits the internet promises. I cannot emphasis this strongly enough: eight GALLONS, Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Today you will wake up and feel a tingling in your underarms. Don't panic. This is totally normal when a person is transforming into a sentient blobfish. It's in your best interest to stay near a large body of water.

Pisces (February 19 - March)

Today you will meet a handsome man. You will either stand behind him in line and when he breaks wind upon you, you will be surprised by how pleasant the smell is. Or, this is the man you will marry. The stars are unclear on this.

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