People: Lay Off Facetune — Your Photos Aren't Fooling ANYONE

Photo: Casey Mullins
Your Photos Aren't Fooling ANYONE

Maybe she was born with frighteningly smooth child-skin. Maybe it's Facetune.

Most of us are guilty of obsessively taking selfies to get the perfect shot. But what if there was an app that allowed you to only take one shot, and then edit yourself to remove any flaws? That's exactly what the Facetune app is for — and people are crazy about it. 

Case in point:


John, what?! Why do you like a blurry cartoon character? Do you think people believe your skin really doesn't house a single line? *side-eye*

And today, as I was gathering my final evidence of just how ridiculous and unnecessary the Facetune app is, I noticed that Khloé Kardashian was under fire for her unabashed use of the app to adjust her appearance.

Girl, you spend that much time at the gym, you have all the money in the world, have abs like whoa, and you were worried about a godd*mn indent on your thigh? So much so that you used an app to correct it (incorrectly!), thus drawing attention to the indent that no one would have noticed in the first place?  (The dead giveaway is the curved door, bottom right. Doors don't curve in real life...unless you alter a photo.) 

People of the Internet, we need to talk. I've had it up to my unfiltered brow creases with your ridiculous post-processing of selfies.

Listen: I'll admit I once fell prey to the allure of airbrushed skin and a thinner jawline but then I realized that people actually see me in real life and my "perfect" selfies were only making me look like a dummy.

Not only did I delete Facetune from my phone, but I decided to spend a little more time making my actual self look better, rather than relying on modified pixels to do the work for me. I started drinking more water, washing my face every night, eating better, and teaching myself how to apply my own makeup better than any app ever could. And you know what? People noticed IRL, not hashtagged on Instagram.

Want to know another CRAZY secret to amazing photos no app will ever be able to recreate? Natural light. Get thee to a window, and be shocked and amazed at how that all-natural sunlight puts a sparkle in your eye and a glow in your cheeks — NATURALLY! Facetune has "lighting" options, much the same way McDonald's has healthy dining options — it's all a giant lie, but hey! It's easier than putting in the work of walking to a window or making yourself a sandwich at home.

Did you know my phone has a selfie feature that will smooth my skin, enlarge my eyes, and thin-out my face automatically? Of all the things I don't need my phone to do for me, it's this:

Have we really become that vain and obsessed with our front-facing cameras that we need them to lie to us as we take the very photos we portray ourselves with to the rest of the social media world?

I will never claim to be flawless, but every once in awhile the perfect eyebrow fill, matched with perfect lighting and head tilt will give me that tiny glimpse into what other people may see when they say I'm beautiful. It's no surprise our self-image is so warped when the only images we're seeing of ourselves is distorted to society's ideal of beauty by unfeeling technology.

No app is ever going to capture the happiness on my face when my kids give me aggressive hugs that smell of cookies and Play-Doh. No filter will ever truly show my flushed cheeks after my husband kisses my neck. And for hell's sake, no number of likes or comments will ever encapsulate my worth as a friend, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and all-around decent human being.

Can we all just quit with the crazy filters and adjustments? You're not fooling anyone.


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