Try not to laugh (or cry) too hard.
1. Say the words "on fleek"
I just can't. Being 40 and saying the words "on fleek" makes me look silly, desperate and old. "Fleek" itself just sounds like a young word. The word is something that someone with thinning hair just can't ever say.
2. Having or doing anything "hot"
Once you hit age 35, you can't even do or have anything be "hot" any longer. Nothing about a man who remembers when Tupac was alive should be "on fleek." That means me.
3. Doing the "dab" dance
It's the hottest dance craze in the country. And my old ass — and your old ass — shouldn't do it. The only guys over the age of 30 who should be doing it are college and professional football head-coaches. And only after they win a big game.
This is what a dab looks like, in case you're too old to know:
4. Drop a mixtape.
If you're are over the age of 35, you cannot, I repeat, cannot drop a mixtape. Not to mention that we're old enough to remember and recognize that mixtapes were actually things that you mixed and were on things called tapes.
Mixtapes are a young man's game. Think about it: What would you rather download from DatPiff.com: A mixtape based around a 25-year-old's wild weekend in Atlanta, or my mixtape about my debauched weekend shopping at Ikea? Coming soon, my new mixtape: "Too Hard ... To Pee. My Prostate Is Failing."
5. Join Tinder
Why? I'm in a relationship, for one. But if I was single, I would probably get caught on Tinder by my 20-something cousins. Or students. Tinder is young guy media. They have the faces and the bodies for "right swipes."
My 42-year-old ass? I wouldn't want to risk a sh*t-ton of left swipes, based on my age alone. If I was single, I'd just join Plenty of Fish. On that website, I'd be a 10 just because I can write complete sentences. And you don't want anyone to take their shirt off on that website.
6. Wear skinny jeans
Increased body fat, the generation gap, and the spirit of Biggie Smalls won't let me wear skinny jeans. Full disclosure: I terribly miss baggy clothes. It was the signature look of my generation. Painted on jeans for men aren't. I know, it's a Millennial thing and I'm cool with it. On a Millennial. Not on my tribe.
Hmmm. Maybe I will drop a mixtape: "Straight Outta Whole Foods." It's hard out here in these streets.
This article was originally published at manslife.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.