Photo: Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash
Stop self-sabotaging!
By Brianna Wiest — Written on Mar 20, 2022
The idea of what's "right" for a person is something many of us have grappled with, and many more of us prefer to avoid thinking about the concept in general. It's a concept so heavily imbued with existential questions, to which there are no good answers, that it's ultimately just frustrating to consider.
Yet, we're all intrigued with the idea of fate in some way or another. The idea of horoscopes and soulmates and life callings — they all allude to the idea of there being a bigger picture, or at least one just a bit larger than we can see.
We aren't instructed on "how to tell whether or not something is perfectly meant for us," and worse, when we only want to do what's "meant to be," it's often a mechanism we utilize to avoid pain.
The mentality is: If I marry the person I'm "meant for," it's guaranteed to last forever and I'll never be heartbroken. If I do the work I came here to do, it won't feel taxing. Though, of course, we know that neither of these things is necessarily true.
Ultimately, we're only told to look for "signs" or to trust our (often shifting, always influenced) feelings about a situation to determine these things.
The secret is that you're meant to do whatever you're doing. You're meant to be with whoever you're with. There are no guarantees. Nothing isn't hard work at some point or another.
There's no way to escape pain, but there is a way to cope with it better. On the flip side of only seeking things you're ultimately "meant for," is rejecting the things you have right now.
So here's why we resist what we feel is right for us, in hopes that it will shed light on how to open up and embrace what's already yours.
1. We don't have the tools to determine whether or not something is really "right" for us.
It's often in the stress of desiring certainty that we reject and avoid things that seem like they could be good for us. Trying to figure it out before you've really lived and tried to see whether or not it works is like trying to maintain an idea of control. Long story short, we reject things that are right for us simply because we're trying to figure out whether or not they're right for us.
2. Our idea of what's "right" and the reality of what's "right" are two different things.
Let's say you meet someone with whom you have a profound connection, yet they don't necessarily meet many of the standards you once assumed were absolutely essential for the "love of your life."
Though you don't actually care about these things in your relationship, you're hung up on committing to the idea of them being your partner, only because your idea of what's right and the reality of what's right are colliding. Guess which one should win out? Yep, you're right: What's actually happening.
3. Knowing what's right for you and believing you deserve it are also two different things.
Many of us know that what's right for us is a healthy, loving relationship, but unless we believe we deserve that kind of relationship, it's doomed to be self-sabotaged.
4. Most people thrive on what they don't or can't have.
If you've gotten used to experiencing your happiness in getting what you couldn't have, then you're not going to have very much luck in actually being able to accept, embrace or keep something for long. In other words, you're going to be hard-pressed to find any real sense of peace.
5. There's a sense of intense commitment that comes with acknowledging something is meant for you.
To fully accept that you're "meant" for something shifts your identity in a way, and it certainly feels like you're cementing your life in place forever.
Because we are creatures of comfort, habit and certainty, choosing to believe that something is "right" for us is the same as predisposing ourselves to keep choosing it for the rest of our lives. We have to be sure this is the commitment we want to make before we do so.
6. Embracing something that's right for us forces us to embrace the present moment.
Many people struggle to do this. When you recognize that you're working at a job that's right for you, or you're in a relationship that's right for you, it can feel as though your motivation has been completely exhausted, simply because you're now being forced to let go of ideas of past and future, and just be fully present.
7. The concept of reaching the "end goal" is terrifying.
Recognizing that something is right for us is akin to realizing that we've "made it," in a way. And while "making it" seems like a great thing, it's often just the beginning of realizing that you have nowhere else to go. If your goals are to arrive somewhere, you'll always be on the move.
To reach an "end goal" is to lose your will to keep going, unless you find something else to move on to (hence the inability to accept).
8. We cannot reject something we don't acknowledge to be real.
We cannot resist or be angry at something we don't realize exists. This is all a fancy way to say that we resist the things we know are most true. We cannot resist something unless we knew it were, in some way, "right" for us.
That is one of the many glorious mysteries of being alive: We never seem to want what it is we really have.
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Brianna Wiest is a writer, poet, and bestselling author of 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, The Mountain Is You and This Is How You Heal.