'Vagina Pearls' Are Real And Here's Why You Should NEVER Buy Them

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By Rebekah Kuschmider 

I know a lot of us have strong and positive feelings for our vaginas. Vaginas are pretty damn amazing, and it is perfectly reasonable to want to reward them for being the fantastic organs they are. Fancy underwear, maybe. Or jewelry. Diamonds. Rubies. Pearls.

However, there are pearls and then there are “pearls”. Master wielder of the lasso of women’s health truth, Dr. Jen Gunter, OB/GYN, recently tweeted out a blog post about these little sacks of herbs some company is marketing as vaginal "detox pearls." 

Yes, that’s right, some weirdo has decided women should shove muslin bags of potpourri up their vaginas. To fix them or something.

Dr. Gunter has lots of medical reasons why one should not do this (as well as a stomach-turning description of a “retained tampon” removal, so be warned). I have a lay-person’s response: OMG DON’T DO THAT TO YOUR PERFECTLY GOOD VAGINA!

The company marketing these things is not a pharmaceutical company or doctor’s office. It’s some weird internet company that doesn’t even have an About page on their website to explain what their so-called qualifications for detoxing vaginas are.

If I had to guess, I’d say someone got stoned and came up with the idea to make pot baggies for your vagina. Then they sobered up, didn’t notice that this was a terrible idea, and voila! Vagina detox! Not to say these “pearls” contain pot. They probably don’t because I can’t imagine the master-minds behind this would be that generous. More likely they contain stuff from a a backyard herb garden that would be better used in a nice marinara sauce.

The moral of the story is, vaginas don’t need baggies of the remnants of someone’s summer gardening project. They need love, some mild soap and water for external cleansing, and orgasms. That’s it. If you must buy your vagina pearls, buy them at a jewelry store.

This article was originally published at Ravishly. Reprinted with permission from the author.


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