8 Things You MUST Know About 'The Bachelor': Episode 3

Photo: ABC, The Bachelor
Ben and Lauren smooch in a hot tub that fell from the sky
Buzz, Love

Dates on The Bachelor become self-parodies and Lace makes her first good decision of the season.

We're three episodes into The Bachelor and things are heating up between Ben and the girls. Whether or not you tuned into the third episode, here are eight things you need to know.

1. Dating is like work for Lauren B.

For the first one-on-one date of the episode, Ben picked up stewardess Lauren B. and took her up in a tiny airplane as their date, because what's more fun as a date activity than what you normally do for work? I'm surprised that Lauren didn't try to punch her time card as they arrived at the airport. Post-airplane, the couple had some cuddle time in a Jacuzzi because...

2. Bachelor dates have become parodies of themselves.

Those intrepid Bachelor segment producers dropped a hot tub in the middle of a field because hey, why not? How else are you going to get that bikini shot  by going to a tired, played out beach or lake? No thanks. Admittedly, Lauren B. and Ben seemed to have a blast in their hot tub on the range.

3. Apparently, nobody has ever played soccer.

There are roughly 10 young women in all of America who are ignorant of the most basic rules of soccer, and they were all on the group date in Monday night's episode. I was continually bewildered by their ignorance of the sport. Lace played goalie but didn't realize that the goalie position is allowed to use her hands. Has she never SEEN a soccer game?

4. The ladies always wear too much or too little makeup.

For the soccer group date, the crew of ladies showed up to the Los Angeles Coliseum and looked like a swarm of yoga pants and makeup. I understand that they're on camera and want to wear some makeup (unlike barefaced Olivia who's willing to look ROUGH on camera), but I haven't seen that much makeup combined with a workout since my sorority days.

5. Every lady has a feature they hate.

In a moment of intense superficiality, a few ladies remarked that Olivia has bad toes. Emily (the twin who revealed a personality with some witty barbs this episode) informed Bachelor Nation that Olivia also has bad breath and breast implants. Ouch! There's something oddly comforting about the alpha dog having her own insecurities, though.

6. Your greatest fear will become your first date.

When a candidate enters the running to be on this show, she must complete a lengthy form and list her phobias and fears. By now, every woman should lie about those phobias ("I'm afraid of gifts and spa days!") because those exact fears WILL be used as the plan for your first one-on-one date. Jubilee learned that with the helicopter pickup.

7. Jubilee's story is the tearjerker to end all tearjerkers.

I would venture to guess that Jubilee been through more hard times than any other woman in the house, so it makes sense that she has a tough shell and doesn't get too close to the other women (and Ambush Amber isn't helping things).

During their dinner date, Jubilee informed Ben that her entire family is dead and she's the only remaining person in her bloodline. She's an orphan from Haiti who came to America, was adopted, and served in the military. What an inspiration! I started crying and I wasn't even drunk.

8. For once, Lace didn't unravel herself.

At the end of an emotional cocktail party, Lace pulled Ben aside and Bachelor Nation held its collective breath, waiting to hear Lace tell Ben that she is, again, not crazy. Surprisingly, she said the most non-crazy, self-aware thing, and admitted she needs to work on loving herself before she can love anyone else.

Props to Lace for recognizing that she wasn't at her best and removing herself from a situation that was unhealthy for her sanity. After she left, Jami and Shushanna were sent home from the rose ceremony.

Next week we're off to Las Vegas — the hometown of the twins and a place chock full of hot tubs!


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