We had guest stars, big mouths, and a whole lot of lockjaw out of Lace.
We're only two episodes into The Bachelor and sh*t is already heating up/hitting the fan. Whether or not you tuned into the second episode, here are nine things you need to know.
1. Bachelor world is a unique and strange place.
Episode two kicked off with the ladies celebrating their move into STD Shack — I'm sorry, the Bachelor mansion — and screaming a LOT. In the most jarring scene, about a dozen of them gathered on the upstairs patio and did their best impression of the FBI to El Chapo, shouting, "We're coming for you!" As Kris Jenner would later say during Bachelor Live (the third hour of Bachelor-related programming of the night), time to slow your roll, gals.
2. Ben's favorite song is Bruce Springsteen's "Glory Days."
As of episode two, we're two-for-two with Ben talking about how much he loved high school, and it makes me a like him less and less each week. A group date took place at "Bachelor High," and concluded with the self-described "weirdo" Goth dentist being crowned homecoming queen and wearing a tiara to cruise around the track. It felt like a bizarre version of She's All That.
3. Nobody loves Ice Cube and Kevin Hart more than ... a posse of mostly white women with blond hair.
Sandwiched between actual commercials for Ride Along 2 was an additional advertisement for Ride Along 2 in the form of Ice Cube and Kevin Hart riding along on a date with Caila (Boston-based software saleswoman) and Ben to a liquor store, and then a hot tub store. In a surprising moment, we learn that blonde, Midwest-bred kindergarten teacher Lauren H. is a huge Kevin Hart and Ice Cube Fan. Hey, you never know where you'll find fans.
4. Caila and Lace are at opposite ends of the language spectrum.
During Caila and Ben's dinner date, she said that Ben could never be unlovable, using the phrase "a snowball's chance in hell." But instead of "hell," she said "a snowball's chance in you-know-where." Caila, this is network TV, not Sunday school. You're allowed to say "hell." On the other end of things is Lace, who no doubt made her family cringe by saying "these bitches can suck it." Now there's a classy lady.
5. "The lady doth protest too much" was written by Shakespeare about Lace.
Lace is a fabric that catches on things and gets frayed easily, and Lace is also a girl who Bachelor Nation is watching unravel day by day. Nobody who isn't bonkers talks about how much they're NOT bonkers that often. She speaks of herself in the third person and makes references to "the Lace that she didn't want to come out." If she keeps this up, I doubt she will make it the three to four weeks I had originally predicted.
6. Ben believes in science.
For the final group date of the episode, six ladies met Ben at a "love lab" (there were people in lab coats present, so it MUST be legit) where they went through a battery of tests to reveal their scientific chemistry with Ben. Sweet Samantha didn't quite measure up in any of the three categories, and it's part of why Ben ultimately sent her home.
7. Going bare-faced under TV lights is a bold move.
I always thought that every Bachelor participant knew that, as much as it sucks, if you want to look like a living person and not a corpse being propped up in the Bachelor mansion, Weekend At Bernie's-style, you simply must wear a bit of makeup. Well, newscaster Olivia did something that's unprecedented in Bachelor history and went completely "face commando" (that is, no makeup) in a date card arrival scene. Was that a feminist move (I woke up like this) or simply a misstep (my pores need to breath)? Who knows.
8. Love is a two-way street and LB was looking for the next rest stop.
Episode two saw our first voluntary departure: LB, the fashion buyer from Oklahoma. She didn't make much of an impression during the "Bachelor High" challenge (which is a good indicator that she's probably a cool cat) and seemed to be waffling about her place in the house, so she opted out. As the old saying goes, Bach life isn't for everyone.
9. Three girls took the 'ole rejection express back home.
Jackie (forgettable brunette), Samantha (sweet Floridian lawyer), and Mandi (odd dentist) were sent packing at the end of the episode, and Amber (back from last season) scored a rose by the skin of her teeth.
And then there were 18. Tune in next week to watch Olivia and Lace vie for the spot of house villain!