We can't make this stuff up.
As New Year's Eve approaches, it's only appropriate to take stock of all the things we experienced during the last 365 days. As a single writer who went on a lot of comically awful first dates this year, I'm using this time to look back and reflect on some of the hilariously bad ones.
Here are some painfully honest recaps of nightmare first dates that I'm happy to be leaving in 2015.
1. The one with Norman Bates
We met at a dive bar conveniently situated a block away from his apartment. I ordered my go-to beer, Allagash White, and he ordered the same. After an awkward exchange where I asked if he liked said beer and he said he'd never tried it, we decided to grab a table.
I took my beer over to the table and left the coaster the bartender had placed underneath it. He then took his beer, his coaster and my coaster over to our table.
"Let's do this properly," he told me, placing my beer on top of the coaster. "Mother would be furious if I didn't use one of these."
The rest of this date was just as Norman Bates-y as the above exchange. By the end of our second round (I switched to tequila), I knew everything about my date's mother, from the type of perfume she wore to the things that she refused to allow my date to do growing up (eating refined sugar, watching cartoons, referring to her as "mom," apparently).
At some point, I drunkenly referred to all of this as "some Norman Bates sh*t."
"Mother wouldn't like for you to say that," he told me.
I laughed. He didn't.
2. The one who switched teams
I was on a date with a handsome guy who worked at MIT doing dream research, which is exactly the kind of nerd sh*t that makes me swoon. If we're being honest, this guy had me eating out of the palm of his hand for the majority of this date.
"This is the symbol we'd draw," he said as he took my hand and drew a unique-looking character on it, then drew the same one on his. "Before my team and I would sleep, we would stare at this symbol and see if it would then show up in each of our dreams."
This obviously meant that since we now both had this thing drawn on our hands, we would meet later that night while we were dreaming. (I know, I know.)
My date had the same name as my sister, which then got us on the topic of my sister and her girlfriend, which then got us on the topic of sexual orientation, which then prompted my date to describe in great detail the different parts of the male body that he finds himself attracted to on the regular.
It was kind of like taking a freezing cold shower.
3. The one who had ulterior motives
I went on a date with a guy who had found me by reading a few of my articles. I have since learned that this is a bad idea in virtually all cases, but I digress.
After a date that turned into an interrogation of from where I source quotes for my articles and avoiding many sexually explicit questions he asked about my personal sex preferences, we left the bar and started walking toward the subway. He then pinned me against the side of a building and started making out with me.
As I pulled away, he grabbed onto both my butt cheeks and whispered, "I'm going to give you something to write about."
I have a feeling that this isn't quite what he had in mind.
4. The one with the emotional tattoo
My date had a giant tattoo of Long Island on his calf with the quote "Life begins with LI" written in script underneath it, and I couldn't stop staring at for the life of me.
Now, I'm actually from Long Island and my life did in fact begin with LI. But I couldn't get around what a weird choice of tattoo I found this to be, especially since my date had JUST moved off of Long Island and into the city a few months ago.
"You keep staring at my tattoo," he finally said, "Want a closer look?"
I did but I didn't, if you know what I mean. But I found myself leaning in to the point of no return, and in doing so I unknowingly opened Pandora's box.
"Long Island is where it all started for me," he said.
Even though I desperately wanted to bring up the fact that he had literally just moved, I refrained.
"The people who have really been there for me are all from there. It's where I first fell in love, first had my heart broken ..."
He started to cry. I went to the bar to get him some napkins. And to get myself a shot of tequila.
5. The one with the strange proposition
My first date expectations are pretty low in general but for first dates from Tinder, my expectations are basically at rock bottom. So I was pleasantly surprised to be on a date with a guy from Tinder who hadn't cried, tried to touch my butt, or forced me to use a coaster during the entire duration of our date. (Small victories, am I right?)
We lived in the same town, and he lived a few streets closer than I did from the bar we had met at. When we got to his door, he told me that one of his roommates was actually pretty famous, and did I want to come up and meet him?
For whatever reason (probably the tequila), this intrigued me. He asked me to close my eyes as he led me into his apartment. I obliged. When I opened them, I was staring at a life-sized cardboard cutout of Mr. Bean. Before I had a chance to process this, my date came at me with his tongue and tried (unsuccessfully) to get it in my mouth.
Here's to a better dating life in 2016.