As written by a man.
(Insert the gender you are not) are weirdos. We can all agree about that. Maybe they're not from a planet named after a Greek god but they do things that you just don't understand. Is it how they were raised? Is it because of some hormone that you lack? Is it because they're emulating someone admirable they've seen on television, films or the stage?
No one knows or cares. You just know that stuff they do (and say!) doesn't always make sense to you, and you're pretty sure the stuff they do (and say!) amongst their own kind is even more arcane, if not sinister.
Well, through the power of TV, you probably have a decent idea of some of the weird stuff men do, either while alone or in groups, but you likely don't know the depth of it. Here are 12 things to calm yourself about when you're worried if some dude likes you or not, and not all of them have to do with his dick.
1. We unleash our inner geeks when alone.
While not many of us study traditional martial arts, we all practice gunfighting, kung fu, or the lightsaber when we get a free moment. Yeah, even that guy with chiseled abs and the Harvard MBA does this.
2. We send other dudes pictures of our poop.
We've been churning that dung for upwards of a day, and we want to see what became of it and if we may need to consult a doctor. Some men take photos and send it to their friends; frankly this would be 90 percent of the content if there was a males-only Instagram. Women may do this if they actually pooped.
3. We think about cheating all the time.
Men talk about boning a decent amount. Outside of fantasy football, it's evidently the most interesting thing out there. And even the "good guys" who would never, ever cheat, talk about cheating. Frankly, the verbal masturbation may prevent infidelity as dudes who cheat suspect their "square" friends of telling their wives and girlfriends everything.
4. We talk a big game.
Every dude thinks that if it came down to it, he'd be able to beat the brakes off a guy his size or smaller ... unless he's presented with a compelling reason why not. Luckily, most of us find the prospect of getting punched to be fairly unappealing to test this theory.
5. We tuck our penis behind our legs for entertainment.
Every guy has tried "tucking" at least once. And by tucking, I mean jamming our genitals, the whole caboodle, between our legs. Some people call it the "Ugly Girl" and others call it "the back salad," but either way it's something adult men generally find hilarious.
6. We laugh at others' physical hurt.
We can laugh at someone getting hurt and simultaneously feel absolutely terrible for him (or her). It's part of what makes World Star Hip Hop the definition of a guilty pleasure.
7. We do dangerous, impulsive things.
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."
That quote is no less true now than when Thoreau said it. I'm not sure we can really blame "a society who says men have to be tough and stoic," but men kill themselves around four times more often than women, generally without mentioning it or telegraphing it. We're probably more impulsive, and we're definitely more violent, but there's probably something in that statistic worth thinking about.
8. We fall in love hard and fast.
Again, men tend to be more impulsive. And testosterone may conflate love and lust. I'm not sure there's an argument about who's the more romantic of the sexes. That is, #UntilYouGetInASeriousRelationship
9. We enjoy peeing from high-up places.
It's an art. Maybe not an art like making a mosaic of Darth Vader out of a bunch of tiny pictures of Darth Vader, but watching something your body made arc majestically off of a picturesque butte into the great unknown, is magical.
9. We want to make our women happy without too much effort.
Per greatest relationship selling author John Gray, a man's greatest pleasure in life is making his partner happy. When we're complaining about you complaining, the general consensus is, "Damn, I wish I knew how to make her happier (without doing too much work)." Beware, we've long suspected that there may be some squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease trickery afoot.
10. We actively hate at least one person we don't know.
It's part of what makes team sports compelling. It could be jealousy, but it's more likely that if we had the work ethic and gosh-given talent, we wouldn't be such jerks all the time.
12. We think we originally came up with the hottest fads.
Like Facebook. Or roller blades. Or the vertical axis wind turbine. Or that he used to play Hunger Games with his GI Joes. At any rate, he came up with it and failed to act. Next time.
13. We do a quick 15 pushups before going anywhere.
Like to the beach. Or on a date. Or possibly being fitted for a suit. Any time that a bigger chest would impress someone. It's like fluffing but not as divisive regarding the grow-ers versus show-ers communities.
It's possible that women love pretend kung fu and hate peeing indoors as much as men, but we'll probably never know.