What Your Guy's Choice In Condoms Says About His Personality

By Evan Scott Schwartz

Today, there's a wider selection of styles, features, and flavors of condoms than ever. From lambskin to ribbed, a guy can pick a pack that suits him (and his package) perfectly.

And while it's always a good thing if a guy comes prepared, the type of rubber your guy pulls out of his pocket can definitely say a lot about his personality. To help you decode his condom choice, here's a very non-scientific list of what his willy wrapper is trying to tell you. 

1. Regular Lubricated

The Honda Civic of condoms: safe, effective, slightly boring, and probably made in China. This is a guy who doesn’t mess around with STDs and follows the Boy Scouts' code of always being prepared to pitch a tent—or something like that. 

What it says about him: He's the male version of the basic bitch: predictable, reliable, and uncreative. But hey, at least you can count on him.

2. Magnum

How big and stretchy are regular condoms? This much. So if your dude is pulling out a magnum condom and isn’t (literally) an adult horse, he’s just trying to impress you and everyone in line at CVS.

What it says about him: He's not afraid of being flashy, and he will always go big instead of going home. It's also possible that he has an autographed baseball bat he’s trying to keep dry in the rain.

3. Non-Lubricated

Unless you're camping in the woods and need to start a fire, he should do everyone a favor just get the lubed variety already.

What it says about him: Either he has some misconceptions about the female anatomy or once had a bad experience with a particularly slimy piece of eel at a sushi joint. 

4. Glow-in-the-Dark

He’s trying to make sex fun, and that’s great. Reward his light saber with some Star Wars tickets, and watch how excited he gets. But really, you can watch exactly how excited he gets—even in the dark.

What it says about him: He had those little glowing plastic stars above his childhood bed and may currently have night blindness. 

5. Lambskin

Quick personal story: As a kid, my friend and I found a pack of lambskin condoms in his father’s underwear drawer. A few months later, his parents split up due to his father cheating on his mom a tremendous amount of times. Coincidence? Maybe. On another note, look out the window to see if Ancient Egypt is outside. No? I guess it's time for him to stop wrapping his tool in animal skins.

Also, just FYI, these non-rubbers are wildly ineffective when it comes to STDs.

What it says about him: He's definitely tried the Paleo diet. Also, he could be cheating on you right now.

6. Ribbed (for her pleasure)

The best things in life are ribbed: pork ribs, short ribs...okay, that could be it. But it’s good that he’s thinking about your pleasure. I'm just not sure if women are looking to add more textures to their sex lives. 

What it says about him: He’s looking to make your sexual experience as enjoyable as possible, and he loves Wayne’s World. 

7. Warming

Science is great, and this is no exception. Who doesn’t like a gentle warming sensation? It's like a warm hug for his junk and is perfect for safe sex in the snow.

What it says about him: He probably likes to snuggle and enjoys nude beaches.

8. Climax Control

For those who don’t know, these bad boys are filled with topical anesthetic that numbs his member. Premature ejaculation is a real problem, (I’m told by other guys who are not me) and there’s no shame in him trying to make sure you get yours while he gets ... tingly. 

What it says about him: He's a bit self-conscious or just really into how it feels when his foot falls asleep.

9. Flavored

A flavored condom is even more of a window into his soul. If he’s wearing a standard strawberry or cherry flavor, he's pretty straightforward. If he chooses banana, he's got a great sense of humor. Chocolate? He's definitely trying to seduce you. Bacon? You've got yourself a lumbersexual, my friend. 

What it says about him: When he said, “Hope you saved room for dessert,” he meant his penis, not actual dessert. Make a mental note to stop for fro-yo on the way home.

This article was originally published at Women's Health Mag. Reprinted with permission from the author.