By David Oragui
Some relationships make you feel empowered, inspired and worth something. Others make you question the very foundation they’ve been built upon.
Going through a torrent of abuse, neglect and manipulation in the past may give you the ability to notice signs and red flags of trouble.
You may know what they are, but this article will teach you how these signs can damage your relationship, and why you must cross the ocean the second they rear their ugly head.
1. You’re being manipulated and you don’t even know it.
Or maybe you do. But you’re too scared of challenging your partner’s authority for fear of being beaten, chastised or losing your freedom all together.
Let me explain.
Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner restricts what you wear? What you spend? Who you can or cannot spend time with? What you eat and how you behave?
He or she may not hit you, and sometimes may not even scold you. Because there’s no need. Simply showing relentless disproval of every minute action you make, sows the seed of disappointment, and etches it so tightly into your brain, that it’ll take years to undo.
- “That top is too tight!”
- “It’s very disrespectful of you to spend time with female friends. Don’t you care about making this relationship work?”
- “You can never do anything right.”
They’re the type of person who will stop at nothing to make you dependent on them.
They’ll talk badly about your friends, claim that they’re a bad influence on you, in such a way so that you fall out with them. Their goal is to make you feel so low and worthless to the point that you’re depending on them for our own survival.
This isn’t just a sign that you’re too good for them—it’s a sign that you must get out. Your loyalty is being taken for granted and your self-esteem is under attack.
2. You’re never their priority.
If you’re always playing second fiddle to someone else in your relationship, it might be a good time to show your concerns before it’s too late.
I’m sure you’re familiar with this behavior.
The current love of your life always puts you after friends and family. While I’m a huge advocate for ensuring your friends and family are not forgotten once you enter a relationship, I don’t take the adages of ‘Chicks before dicks,’ and ‘bros before hoes’ literally. Not to mention how degrading it sounds.
If you’re always left out of social gatherings or events, it’s only a matter of time before you start to wonder whether your partner is embarrassed for being with you in the first place. I’m sure you’re aware of the effects of clinginess on a relationship; however that doesn’t mean you deserve to feel excluded from your partner’s life.
Clearly communicate your concerns to your partner so they at least acknowledge this problem is causing you distress and is detrimental to the health of the relationship.
The biggest mistake you can make is to remain silent, or to kid yourself that this is simply a phase that will come to pass. The moment you tell yourself it’s a phase, you’re already subconsciously communicating the message that this exclusion is justified and deserved.
Don’t be the victim in this scenario, do what you have to do to get your voice heard.
3. You receive no moral support or encouragement from them.
Such a perfect recipe for disaster.
Are you working on an all-important project lately? One which is draining all of your physical and mental resources? Yeah, I’ve been there before.
How does your partner react each time you bring it up? If they dismiss it or change the subject all together, that’s a sign you’re too good for them. As harsh as it may sound, how does it feel to know that your dreams, goals and achievements are about as interesting to your partner as what’s on the bottom of their shoe?
Call it a day and move on, especially if you’re struggling with it, or thinking of packing it in.
If you’re the type of person who derives their confidence through positive evidence and experiences, your mental health is at serious risk by remaining with this person. Re-evaluate your relationship, your goals and whether they can help you achieve them, or whether they’re just another obstacle which you must overcome.
4. Your intelligence levels are not on the same plane.
How dare I suggest such a thing?
To even imply that being more intelligent than your partner is a sign you’re too good for them is nothing short of callous and short-sighted.
How does one define intelligence? It can’t necessarily be measured, as it comes in many different forms. However, if you find yourself unable to have a stimulating conversation about anything, if you find yourself connecting only on the more-mundane aspects of life, you may be intellectually incompatible.
In which case, you may need to reconsider whether this relationship is worth pursuing.
This is the uncanny aspect of relationship compatibility most people avoid talking about; however, if left unaddressed, it will cause conflict.
Intelligence doesn’t necessarily boil down to how fast you are at mental arithmetic (what’s 96 x 97? – tell me now! You’ve got 10 seconds), neither does it mean that you can come up with the solution to cancer. It refers to how compatible you are as a couple. How well your interests, hobbies, opinions, views and most importantly values match up with one another.
5. They’re inconsiderate or negative toward you.
This is a good sign that you’re too good for someone.
If your partner gives you the cold shoulder or puts you down—whether that’s you personally or your advances or efforts to make things right—I’d book the first plane ticket to singledom and not buy a return.
Some of the things I’ve heard people say to their partners in passing makes me feel like I’ve overheard the spawn of the devil. In most cases, such remarks are accepted and thus the destruction of your self-esteem begins.
Don’t buy into the belief that it was “out of character.”
Newsflash, their latest outburst wasn’t out of character, you were slowly seeing the real them without paying close attention. You need to determine when enough is enough. If your feelings are never taken seriously and their behavior doesn’t improve, do your best to move on.
The best way to tell if someone is right for you is not by how they react and behave in the good times, but how they react, behave and treat you when everything is going against them. Only then, will you see for yourself, their true character.
If you’re experiencing any of the problems described above, you should cut your losses, give yourself a break and start afresh.
This article was originally published at MeetMindful. Reprinted with permission from the author.