All I'm saying is, stay away from wombat people.
Animals are amazing. Unfortunately for us plebs, we can't just follow a Disney princess into the woods and hope she starts singing when we want a pet. Although it sounds like I just stumbled into a disturbing porn plot, it does make me wonder what happens after the princess leaves and all the prey are conveniently gathered in one place for the animals that consider them food.
But that's why shelters exist. You can pick out any animal you want and fill your home with instant companionship. You love your pet because they're fluffy. They love you because you saved them from certain death. It's a win-win.
Animals are such a huge part of our lives, we even have terms like "dog people" or "cat ladies" for people who apparently aren't interesting enough to have an identity apart from their relationship with their pets.
"That's Rick. I'm not sure what he does for a living or what his purpose is in life, but his single-bedroom apartment sure does smell like cat piss."
The animal you choose as a pet can even reflect on who you are as a person. Every type of animal has a pretty distinct personality type, so the one you bring home says a lot about what you want in a companion.
Oh hey, there just so happens to be a list detailing just that below:
1. Dog: You're emotionally needy.
Dogs love you 100 percent of the time, always. Every day is the happiest day of your dog's life. They greet you at the door every time you come home, and sometimes piss themselves in excitement while doing so. Nobody will ever love you as much and as unconditionally as your dog.
2. Cat: You don't give a f*ck.
Cats certainly don't. In the cat's mind, it's your master. If you died in your sleep, your cat would start eating your lifeless husk about an hour after you missed mealtime.
3. Fish: You're afraid of commitment.
Let's face it, a fish is about on par with a plant when it comes to both maintenance and the amount of value it provides. The sunken treasure at the bottom of the tank that lets out air bubbles every few seconds is more entertaining than the fish itself.
4. Snake: You're fearless.
You own a pet that would eat you and your whole family, given the chance. You have to placate it with blood sacrifices just to keep it from wrapping itself around your neck while you sleep. No one f*cks with a snake owner.
5. Gerbil/hamster: You're easily entertained.
I mean, I can't blame you. Those hamster wheels are hilarious, and so is watching them get lost in their little mazes.
6. Bird: You're not afraid to be a little weird.
Birds are kind of weird, to be honest. Somewhere down the line, they used to be dinosaurs. Now, they're known for pooping in cages in mimicking our speech. The Flintstones didn't prepare me for this.
7. Exotic animals: You're cold-blooded.
Seriously, there's a long list of animals that we humans have domesticated over the course of history. Do you really need to take a tiger from the jungles and throw it in a cage, Mike Tyson?
8. Don't like animals/pets: You're a monster.
I mean, there are only three types of pets: animals that are adorable, animals that are hilarious, and animals that are both. If you can't find any of that worthwhile, then I want you on a government watch list.