Not a social butterfly? Pretend!
By Christie Grimm
Our tips to feign the most by doing the least, keeping your image while saving your energy. Not all social butterflies need to fly. Some are perfectly well and good cozied up at home.
Whatever your event or party obligation may be, show your face and snag a quick shot before bolting home. Throw on a filter, tag all of the people you strategically avoided entering into social contact with, and consider this your reaching out.
Exchanging pleasantries via the comments section from the comfort of your own bed, pretending to be working your way through the crowd to find them - this is you being social.
Alternatively, skip the charade all together and just steal someone else's picture to post as your own - thankfully, Guest of a Guest is forever out and about so you don't have to be.
2. Cinematically Scrupulous
That person that's been trying to get together for months will not be stopped. The friendly, hopeful, golden-retrieverly-esque dumb texts pawing, begging for some type of solid plan to meet up.
Just throw them the social bone while keeping to your normal habits with dinner and a movie - minus the dinner. Swap your Macbook for the big screen - and you'll be clocking in plenty of quality friend time. Two hours of beautiful bonding time. None of which will involve either of you speaking!
So they overcharge for everything - you're keeping your pop-culture references current, your sweet tooth satisfied, and besides, even just one hour in those plush reclining chairs they have nowadays is worth far more than the price of your ticket.
3. Minimal Radius
If you must have a night out, don't spend it dragged by friends as they chase the dream. Oh, the drinks at this place are so much better. Oh, the crowd there is more fun. Oh, they've got the best music on Saturdays. Subways, cabs - crossing town, changing islands. Don't let the night turn into a marathon.
Stick to a safe for all bets place like The Standard or The Bowery, where you can start out with dinner, and continue to loaf away the hours at the same venue until it's socially acceptable to head home, moving maybe tens of steps the entire evening - as God intended.
Post up, stay stationary, and nab some prime sofa seating.
4. Canine Committed
Short of taking up smoking, this is probably your best bet for the old slipping out early excuse. Obviously you'd love to stay to see where this third round of apres dinner inconsequential chat is going, but really, there's a living, breathing, potentially made up dog sitting back at your apartment with his legs crossed waiting for you to run your tush home to take him for a walk.
A furrowed furry face is hard reasoning for any host to argue with. Just think of the poor animal. And if that doesn't work, think of the hardwood floors.
5. Tech Suicide
It's late. Like 11:26 late. And there is way too much life in your friend Jessica's eyes right now. Life that you cannot and will not share.
Tip: In this world you are only as alive as your phone battery. Slip away to the bathroom whenever you can steal a moment, shut off your phone, and then sneak your incognito way out without any goodbye.
Resurrecting that iPhone the next morning will reveal quite the confusion as to your disappearance - but just take that confusion and breed some more with the old "What do you mean where did I go? Where did you go? I looked everywhere for you but my phone was dead!"
This article was originally published at Guest of a Guest. Reprinted with permission from the author.