We know all about being funny AND sexy.
A lot of people think that stand-up comics must get laid a lot. Well, no. Most stand-up comics are pulling in normal numbers.
People think that because we perform, and are funny and always meeting new people that we must live like rock stars. Nope, we live like traveling salesmen. It's not a sexy job at all.
We do meet a lot of people, and everyone tries to make comics laugh. So, as a stand-up comedian, I've heard a lot of sex stories. Everyone who has a crazy sex story has told it to me. I have my own experiences, plus a ton of insane encounters between strangers to draw from when it comes to knowing about sex.
I've seriously heard it all. Does that make me an expert on sex? Yes. By going around and doing shows all over the place, I've basically gone to the creepiest colleges ever.
I know how to avoid having terrible and terrifying sexual encounters. I know the warning signs, and I also know the things that can turn a normal experience into a nightmare. So, here are 9 of the best sex tips from a stand-up comedian:
1. Always take your socks off.
Socks are the least sexy thing ever. Anytime sex is happening, take your socks off. Wearing no pants but still wearing socks is a terrible look, and they probably stink a little bit. Take them off and get them out of there.
2. Don't try anything just once.
It's OK to have boundaries. In fact, you should have boundaries. There are some things you don't ever have to try to know that they're not for you. There are some sex games you don't have to play to know that they're not fun.
3. Learn how to have sex sober.
A lot of people claim that drinking helps them get looser. Sure, maybe it increases your chances of going home with someone, but it's not always a good idea. Learn how to go out and make sex happen even when you're sober. It might not be as often, but remember: quality beats quantity.
4. It's OK to settle for sex — but not a relationship.
Look, things don't always go the way we want them to. It's OK to settle when it comes to sex, but don't be stupid about it. Always be safe and wear protection, but it's also fine to sometimes just take what you can get. Just don't let that one night stand turn into a relationship. No matter how long it's been, never settle for whatever relationship you can get.
5. Never make sex your ultimate goal.
Don't go out thinking "I have to get laid tonight!" Just go out and have fun. You know who people want to have sex with? Fun people. You know who they don't want to have sex with? The really intense person who keeps trying to make things happen.
6. Pay for it once and you'll always pay for it.
Some people pay for sex. I try not to judge, but here's the thing: Sex is the sort of thing that once you "buy" it, you'll always be a sex buyer. Once your brain learns that it's an acceptable way to get laid, you'll never be convinced to put work into it ever again.
7. Turn off your f*cking phone.
We're all addicted to our phones. Most of us can't even sit through a movie without checking it. While we may be able to get through sex without actively checking it, what if it makes a noise? If I hear a bing from my phone, I'm going to have trouble focusing until I know what it is. Did I just get a retweet? I need to know!
8. Never, eve have sex on a full stomach.
This can be a hard tip to stick with, because sometimes you don't know when it's going to happen. If you even think sex is a possibility in the near future, eat light. Having a full stomach can cause cramps and gas, and those are two things you don't want to be dealing with.
9. Stick to positions you're comfortable with.
Everyone likes to try something new every once in awhile, but don't go crazy. Unless you're with someone you're super-comfortable with, stick to what you know. Don't try to show off and then end up pulling a muscle. That's not impressive at all.