I’m talking stuff like succumbing to swallowing a pube mid blow job — you know, the less sexy stuff.
By: Ashley Reese
Nobody prepares you for the less glamorous aspects of sex. This is definitely the case when your only understanding of sex has come in the form of actors getting paid to simulate it and smutty fan fiction. And by less glamorous I’m not talking penetration pain or faking orgasms during a less than stellar romp, I’m talking stuff like succumbing to swallowing a pube mid blow job.
Here are a few burning questions I still have about sex and less than sexy scenarios.
1. Is there a sexy way to remove a pube from your mouth?
No matter your approach to penis or vagina and mouth action, unless your partner is bald like Cailou down there, you’ve probably found a stray pube in your mouth at some point during oral. That’s fine, that’s understandable, but I wonder if there’s a better way of getting it out of your mouth without it being obvious.
Like, is it rude to stop doing your thing and, instead, spend a moment fishing out a hair from the depth of your mouth? Is the polite thing to do to just keep going with that lone pube scraping against your tongue? Or maybe you should just take one for the team and swallow the damn thing and be done with it.
Fuck swallowing eight spiders in your sleep. How many pubes will you have swallowed in your sexual lifetime?
2. How do real people handle vaginal discharge is sexy situations?
Discharge feels like the final frontier of vaginal discourse. Like, we can talk about the merits of period blood art and free bleeding and how gross it is to sneeze during your period, but we steer clear of talking about the annoying cervical fluid chillin in our undies every day?
Anyway, discharge is real! It’s a thing! A thing that people deal with! People including me!
Without getting too TMI, I want to know how people handle discharge in spontaneous sexual situations. Few scenarios seem less sexy than your partner surprising you with some hands up the skirt or down the pants action, resulting in them copping a feel of your lovely panty liner. Or, like, waking up to your partner messing around downstairs to a discharge happy vagina.
I suppose it’s easy enough to freshen up before bae starts making their way downtown, but I’ve noticed a shocking lack of mention of dealing with awkward discharge situations during sex. When is Girls going to have an episode in which she brazenly removes her panty liner before getting down to business? Unless it happened already…I didn’t bother with this past season.
3. Why do I feel nauseous after swallowing?
You do you, but for me it almost seems rude to spit out someone’s semen after giving them a blowjob. Also, it’s messier than just swallowing the damn stuff. I’m not some semen connoisseur, searching for the most pineapple-y of spunk to consume, but it’s not the worst thing either. So I swallow…and usually feel nauseous about five minutes later.
That has been the case ever since I gave my first blow job (an empanada cured me) and I think it is largely a morning phenomenon. Maybe I shouldn’t swallow on an empty stomach. Eat first, swallow second?
Please tell me I’m not alone, I don’t want to be allergic to semen. I don’t think there’s a pill for that.
4. What constitutes butt stuff?
Strictly anal penetration or nah? I mean, I know people are either all about butt stuff, vehemently against butt stuff, and indifferent about butt stuff. I consider myself a proud member of the last group, but maybe butt stuff is more nuanced than I think.
People who are into spanking are technically team butt stuff, right? What about…butt kisses? If I’m into butt kisses, does that mean I’m in the butt stuff fandom? Let a sis know.
5. Is it normal to convince yourself that you’re maybe pregnant even if you haven’t had p in v sex?
Probably not. I actually had a slight panic attack this morning on the train about this very scenario. A combination of too many episodes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, coinciding with weight gain and a general tendency to be paranoid has led me to occasionally entertain the idea that sperm has–at some point–made its way up my vagina and impregnated me.
I imagined myself finding out about this secret bun in the oven during a routine doctor’s check up, discovering that I was too far along to have an abortion, and it spirals into dramatics from there.
As someone who often writes for teen girls, I’ve come across so many panicked scenarios: Some 16-year-old girl writes in to the site I write for and asks if she can get pregnant if her boyfriend came on her leg. So I should know better than to even entertain the idea of sperm hopping into my vagina.
But…a penis has definitely brushed up against my cooch without protection before. This is what worries me, despite the fact that that super team known as logic and science and chance are trying to convince me that pregnancy from a penis brushing against a vagina is pretty damn rare, even if there’s pre-ejaculate present.
BUT. WHAT. IF?
Maybe I should worry about this when I actually get a penis inside of me. But for now, I don’t think I’m ready for Accidental Virgin: Immaculate Conception Edition.
This article was originally published at The Gloss. Reprinted with permission from the author.