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'Tis the season....
By Bob Alaburda — Written on Sep 24, 2015
It's that time of year again: the time when everything in the world somehow becomes spiced by something that isn't even a spice.
From lattes, to beer, to oysters, you can be sure pumpkin spice will find its way into anything vaguely edible. Basic b*tches everywhere will be lined up around the block at Starbucks to get their hands on it.
And spoiler alert: there's not even any pumpkin in pumpkin spice. It's made from (mostly) cinnamon, nutmeg and allspice. You're literally swallowing lies.
But they say ignorance is bliss, so maybe that's why pumpkin spice is so delicious if you're dumb. At this point, the only thing that goes in your mouth that hasn't been pumpkin spiced is penis. But why stop there?
Between the months of September and January, approximately 97 percent of the food and drink you consume will certainly contain pumpkin spice. I'd contend that eating non-pumpkin-spiced d*ck could cause you to suffer from withdrawal symptoms and detox tremors.
Let's not take any chances:
1. Sprinkle his penis with a light dusting of cinnamon.
The cinnamon challenge is for amateurs. Sure, you won't be able to tell if you're tearing up and puking because of your gag reflex, or from the realities of ingesting raw cinnamon. But either way, he'll be turned on.
2. Wear an infinity scarf to get into character.
While also doubling as a splash guard, nothing conjures up that feeling of a cool autumn breeze through your hair and a pumpkin spice latte on your lips like donning the basic white girl uniform. Bonus points for wearing a North Face jacket and Ugg boots while proclaiming that you "literally can't even."
3. Scatter fallen orange-red leaves across your apartment floor.
Nothing gets you into the fall spirit like crunching freshly fallen leaves beneath your knees.
4. Stir your pumpkin spice latte with his penis.
Marinating is a classic culinary technique to imbue meat with the flavor of your choice. The meat just happens to belong to your man, in this case. Third-degree burns are a necessary evil.
5. Post pictures of his penis on Instagram.
Like your pumpkin spice lattes, you should be posting pictures of your pumpkin spice penises to every social media network you can think of. It's basically the law.
6. Talk about how only basic bitches like his penis.
The most important step in enjoying pumpkin spice season is to do it in secret and pretend that everyone who does is basic.
