I have a horrifying sense of humor.
I know what you're thinking: Challenge accepted. I will marry the ever-loving SH*T out of you. Just try and stop me.
I appreciate your defiance, dear reader, but it's ultimately futile. For you see, I'm the sort of person that opens an article by arguing with a figment of my own narcissistic imagination. And we haven't even gotten to the list yet.
Will you maintain that steadfast confidence as I count the ways I'm not cut out for marriage? There's another one: I make up words. That's pretty annoying I bet.
Here are 25 more verses in my self-fulfilling prophecy:
- I can't build sh*t.
- I can't fix sh*t, either.
- I don't care if that means I'm not a real man.
- I don't watch TV.
- I don't use social media.
- Therefore, I don't care about 98 percent of the things you probably want to talk about.
- I never want kids.
- Trust me, kids don't want me, either.
- I have a horrifying sense of humor.
- I refuse to dial it down in front of your friends and family.
- And your coworkers.
- Weddings are a massive, impractical waste of money.
- Not to mention the rings.
- And it all seems like one big circle-jerk.
- I'm not going to ask you in the first place.
- So, that already eliminates anyone who believes in more "traditional" gender roles.
- If you asked me, I'd say no anyway.
- At this point, marriage is a logical impossibility.
- Unless you forced me at gunpoint.
- Which sounds like the plot to a rad Tarantino movie, so I might be into it.
- But still, no.
- What are you, some kind of marriage rapist?
- Let's just drink beer and play video games.
- Like, A LOT of beer.
- And A LOT of video games.