Can We Please All Agree To Stop Using The Phrase "Making Love?"

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Seriously. I'll start a petition if I have to.

There's nothing more wildly unsexy than the phrase "making love" to describe sex. The words themselves sound like they should only come out of a mouth adorned with a 70's porn 'stache.

I'm pretty sure just saying them together puts you on some kind of Megan's Law-related list.

If I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to make love, she'd slap me across the mouth, tell me to stop being weird and gross, and to just say "f*ck," like an ADULT. And she'd be perfectly right to do so.

"Making love" sounds like the phrasing the defendant in a sexual assault case would try to use to soften the blow. It's such a boner killer, Lorena Bobbit could've whispered it to her husband's d*ck and it would've taken its own life.

I never want to meet the person who hears the phrase "making love" and thinks, "Oh yeah, grab the Astroglide and lay down the sex tarp, 'cause it's about to get REAL erotic up in here."

In fact, I want that person tried at The Hague for war crimes. That guy DEFINITELY has a few bodies hidden in the walls of his creepy sex dungeon, Great Wall of China style.

But let's take a step back from throwing up in our mouths for a second to look at the other huge problem with this phrase: It devalues the word love. That's right, I'm hitting you with real talk for a second.

If this were a 90's after-school special,  here's the part where I turn the chair around and sit in it backwards so I can appear relatable while I give you life advice you never asked for.

"Making love" implies that sex is love and that's a sh*tty and unhealthy way to look at relationships. In reality, love is more like a disease and sex is just one of the symptoms.

So, I guess if you want to refer to sweatily mashing your privates together after one too many Fireball shots as "making love," go for it, Shakespeare. The rest of us will save the word for something a little more meaningful.



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