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Step 1: Heavy on the foreplay.
By Em & Lo — Written on Jul 08, 2015
For a lot of women, intercourse is not always like pizza: i.e. even when it's bad, it's good. Nope: when intercourse is bad due to pain, it’s really bad.
There are many reasons why intercourse can hurt: an infection, an STD, vaginitis, vulvodynia, PTSD (perhaps due to a previous sexual assault)… But if you've ruled these possibilities out with your doctors (and if sex is always painful for you, you must see a doctor), then we hope some of these tips for making intercourse more comfortable for your vagina will help:
1. Insist on foreplay.
And lots of it. Think extended erotic buildup.
In other words: get your partner to tease, tease and tease you. And then tease you some more. The more turned on you are, the more room there is in the back two-thirds of your vagina, the better penetration will feel to you, and the greater chance for your own natural lubrication to supplement all the man-made lube you’ll be using (see next point).
2. Use lube!
Do you know what we like to say about lube in the sex biz? Too much lube is almost enough.
A water-based or silicone lubricant can really help ease friction. Keep reapplying it throughout the sesh (a pump dispenser is great for one-handed reapplication). And don't be a cheapskate — K-Y might seem like a bargain, and it might be the closest at hand in your corner drugstore, but it can't compete with the higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier lubes available at sex toy outlets. There, you can get sampler packs to experiment with until you find the one that helps you fit together the most comfortably.
Or treat yourself to a nice bottle of love that's glycerin-free, paraben-free and fragrance-free like Lelo's Personal Moisturizer. Something sturdy like Maximus —popular with anal sex fans —will last a while, but don't be afraid to re-apply, especially if you're having a marathon session (i.e. anything longer than 10 minutes).
3. Try condoms (if you're not using them already).
Not only will it help protect you against STDs and pregnancy (duh), it may also help facilitate a smoother entry and less internal tissue tearing, especially if it's lubricated (just avoid the ones with Non-oxynol 9.) And make sure the added lube you're using is compatible with latex. Condoms might also protect you if his semen is irritating to your vagina (a possibility).
So invest in high quality, super-thin condoms with added sensitivity for him — you don't want some thick, cheap rubber desensitizing him, resulting in the urge/need for him to thrust harder/faster/deeper to get to his own happy place and resulting in vadge burn for you! (See next point.)
4. Do it differently.
Jackhammering is not the only way to get busy — in fact, for most women, it's a terrible and unsatisfying way to have intercourse. With penile penetration, have your fella focus on shallow penetration and slow, gentle thrusting. Remember, the outer third of the vagina tends to be more sensitive. Plus, shallower penetration gives him a greater chance of stimulating your G-spot (if you're into that — see the next point).
Experiment with the Coital Alignment Technique. Or have your partner hold still so your you can control the motion (rather than vice versa). Or get on top so that you can set the pace (rather than vice versa). Play around with other positions until you find the most comfortable ones.
5. Avoid G-spotting.
For some women, having their G-spot targeted is actually painful. Maybe that's you. So, have him skip any come-hither handwork before intercourse, and avoid positions that target it, like Doggie Style, to see if that helps.
6. Work on strengthening your pelvic floor muscles.
Many natural birth advocates encourage preggos to do their Kegels religiously, since having toned PC muscles not only means you can contract them at will, but you can also relax them when it's time to make way for a baby to come out — and we don't see why this wouldn't work in the opposite direction in your case.
7. Keep the clitoris content.
If clitoral stimulation is necessary for your sexual satisfaction, then by all means, make sure that your clit keeps getting the attention it needs and deserves throughout intercourse — whether that's via his hand, your fingers, a vibrating penis ring, or a sexual position that keeps pressure on that area during intercourse (like the C.A.T.).
Considering the vast distance between the clitoris and the vaginal canal (everything's relative), you've got to be proactive about keeping it in the game, especially when a lot of intercourse positions leave the clit sitting out on the sidelines.
8. Try it at different times of the month.
You may find that it's more or less comfortable at different times during your cycle. For example, you may find you have to abstain from penile penetration the week before and during your period.
9. Think sexy thoughts.
As they say, your brain is your biggest sex organ. So, be in the moment. Stay in the moment. Fantasize. Focus on the pleasant sensations your body is experiencing. Rather than closing your eyes, look in your partner's eyes, or at your bodies.
Don't let nagging or negative thoughts distract you. If you have some issues that may need to get worked out with therapy or medication, by all means, see a professional — so you can be more present during sex, which will make it more enjoyable.
10. Don't date big dicks.
Not the emotional kind, but the ones with actual footage in their pants.
Perhaps that's a little difficult to discover really early on in a relationship — "Hi, my name's Mary. How big is your penis?" — but if it ever, shall we say, comes up (e.g. you can get a sense from his tight jeans, you know an ex girlfriend of his, he brags or warns you about it), then don't go on a second date.
11. Stop thinking of intercourse as sex.
Those two things are not the necessarily the same. Intercourse isn't the be-all end-all of sex, despite wide reports to the contrary (gross exaggerations, if you ask us).
Spend lots of time on naked grinding, massage, "titty fucks" (just please, for the love of God, don't call them that), handwork, oral sex, sex toys, mutual masturbation, etc. In two words: reconceptualize sex.
When you do get to the intercourse, make sure he realizes patience is not a virtue with you; that when it comes to the duration of penile penetration, endurance is not appreciated. As long as you're having fun and getting off, those things can be just as good (if not better, especially in your case) than the old in-out.
Instead of thinking of intercourse as the main course, think of it as the occasional side dish or dessert of an already satisfying meal.
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This article was originally published at Em & Lo. Reprinted with permission from the author.