We're fluent in sarcasm over here.
The Supreme Court has made it official: gay marriage is legal. That's great!
People who argued against gay marriage have always fought it because they were worried about the effect it would have on "traditional marriage." Well, now we're going to find out what effect it'll really have.
According to almost every Republican politician, traditional marriage is the cornerstone of this country. Which is weird, because I would've thought that the economy was more important to holding this country together, but I guess that's why I'm not a politician.
Since traditional marriage is so important to this country's, and even our society's future, I've done the research to see what effect legal gay marriage will have. If you care about the future of America, you need to read this:
1. Guys who don't want to get married won't have the "not until gays can get married" excuse anymore.
Look, guys, we had a good run. We all knew it was too good to last.
Your girlfriend wants to get married, but to hold her off you could just say, "I'm not getting married until EVERYONE can get married." It was the perfect excuse; you made it seem like you were pro-marrying your girlfriend, but also looked socially progressive as well.
It's going to be decades until we find another excuse as good as this one.
2. Everyone using that excuse will have one hell of an awkward conversation.
Hey, gay people, did you think about this one? Did you? No, you didn't. You were worried about "equality," but you never stopped to think about who you'd be affecting.
Every guy that already used the "not until everyone can get married" excuse now has to get married. You really blew up their spot. I hope you're happy.
3. Straight weddings won't be as fabulous.
Let's be honest: straight weddings are going to become "the boring ones." I mean, there just won't be any competition.
If I get invited to a straight wedding and a gay wedding on the same day, I'm going to the gay wedding. Gay people host parties way better than straight people do. It's literally the only stereotype on the planet that nobody argues.
4. Wedding DJs will be forced to up their game.
Think about any wedding you've ever been to. What was the worst part? Oh yeah, the DJ.
Every wedding DJ does the same tired routine, plays the same dumb songs, and tells the same dumb jokes. The only reason anyone gets a wedding DJ is because of tradition.
Well, guess what? Gay weddings are new, so they don't have to follow tradition. If wedding DJs want to stay in business, they're going to have to up their game ... and their playlists.
5. People will finally have to explain to their kids what gay people are.
One of the weirdest excuses people against gay marriage used was, "Well, how am I going to explain that to my kids?" I guess those people better find out.
I'm thinking of offering a class on how to do this. It's only one lesson, and it's basically "just tell your kid that some people are gay." BAM, gay marriage explained.
6. Bridezillas will be revealed as "just jerks."
I've never been on board with the whole "Bridezilla" phenomena; it always came across as obnoxious and bratty.
The thing that's great about gay weddings is that there will either be two brides or no bride. That means no one ever gets to think, "this day is really all about me!"
Once guys see that weddings can be fun parties where no one gets to act like a monster because the flower arrangements aren't exactly to her standards, Bridezillas are going to (thankfully) go extinct.
7. Straight people will be hard to "domesticate."
This was one of the actual arguments against gay marriage, and it's true. People against gay marriage believe (not surprisingly) that marriage domesticates people, and makes men and women more likely to behave in the "gender appropriate way." Meaning, men get jobs and hopefully stay faithful, and women cook and clean and get pregnant.
Obviously, gay marriages won't have this effect, which is probably a good thing. When straight people see gay marriages working, and realize, "Ohhhhh, I can still be who I want to be," the whole "domesticated" style of person will go away. Another word for "domesticated" is "boring."
8. People will have to find a new boogeyman.
I'd always hear people say, "Well, if we let gay people get married, what's next? Men marrying dogs?" The thing is, I know a ton of gay people and plenty of them would like to get married.
I don't know anyone who's trying to marry their dog. People who want to marry their dogs (or anything else along those line — trees, cats, their microwave) probably aren't concerned about gay marriage.
I doubt they're sitting there going, "I'd like to marry my parrot, but if gay people can't get married, what chance do I have?" When they don't rise up and start making demands, it will become clear how dumb an argument that was.
People will have to find a new boogeyman to use to push their "social agendas."
9. Straight people won't be affected in any significant way.
I mean, in all honesty, gay marriage doesn't affect straight people. It's just something that involves a different group of people.
If your marriage or relationship changes because of gay marriage, well, you just had a bad relationship. If you're not gay, then gay marriage has the same effect on you as your neighbor's dinner choice does. In other words, not at all.
Unless you're one of those dummies who pledged to get divorced if gay marriage is legalized, then you have to get divorced. A promise is a promise.