Dear Hapless Hoe...
I've pinned this letter to my husband's shirt pocket, just like I do with my kids when I deliver them to summer camp, because he's all yours now.
I'm just feeling particularly kind at the moment (perhaps it's the freeing, lighter feeling of being rid of a cheating, sniveling, sneaking, sexually inferior mate?) and I thought it'd be very grown-up of me to send along a few care and feeding instructions, along with a few friendly cautions.
1. He tends to have a lot of sinus infections, poor thing. The three days of whining can get a little tedious, but try to be patient and remember that he doesn't have natural birth as a reference for judging misery. I suggest a double–dose of Benadryl with a shot of whiskey. You also might need to remind him that if he didn't stick his head up his ass so often, his sinuses wouldn't be such a problem.
2. I know you've been having what you think is a really exciting and illicit sexual relationship (love your perfume, by the way; I must run to Walmart and get some for myself), while you two have been sneaking around. But I'm afraid that'll all be over in a month or so, so please prepare yourself accordingly. He'll quickly run out of positions that make the most of his rather unimpressive penis size, but just lie there and gasp at appropriate intervals and try to think of happier times.
3. I want to save you the time and effort you'll put into creating Pinterest-worthy meals every night. I know he's been taking you to all kinds of wonderful restaurants (the credit card is in my name, thank you) while you've been in the throes of fresh whoring-around, but he doesn't actually taste his food anyway. I'm sure he's been on his best behavior at the restaurants but you'll soon find that at home, he eats like a snake. It's erotic, really.
By the way, please feel free to keep this letter and pin it back to his shirt pocket when you deliver him to Skank #7. I wouldn't want you to tax yourself trying to come up with something like this on your own.
Like I said, I'm just feeling inexplicably generous today.
The One Who Got the Better End of the Deal
This article was originally published at /www.unomum.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.