It's not easy trying to get dirty where you get clean.
Shower sex just sounds so perfect. Until you try it.
Don't get me wrong, it's totally possible that shower sex can work for you if you follow your heart and believe in your dreams. And by that I mean win a Nobel Prize by inventing a shower with infinite hot water that defies the laws of physics to never be slippery.
But I'm willing to wager you probably have a shower capable of existing in this universe. In that case, save the shower for after you've done the deed literally anywhere else.
1. Caution: slippery when wet.
A little danger can be sexy, but nothing kills the mood like taking a header off the water spout. On the plus side, at least all the blood will conveniently run down the drain.
I guess if you want to have your sex life look like an episode of Dexter, while you wind up in the E.R. for a concussion, more power to you.
2. Making it rain isn't always a good thing.
You know what nobody has ever wanted during sex? To be constantly blinded and partially drowned by a never-ending torrent.
Unless you're Neptune, king of the sea. In which case, you probably can't even get off without being waterboarded.
Also, how are you reading this?
3. Oral sex: Mission Impossible.
Like Communism working and empowering the common man, going downtown in the shower isn't theoretically impossible; it's just so impractical and unenjoyable that it might as well be so.
It's already a small challenge to breathe during oral on dry land. Now imagine trying to deal with that while water works on tickling your gag reflex on its way to invading your lungs.
Your only other option is to move out of the offending water, which 1) feels like you've just been dropped in the middle Siberia naked, and 2) why are you bothering to be in the shower in the first place?
And with slippery surfaces and limited space, good luck trying to prop your leg(s) up in such a way that you can get a turn.
4. Finite hot water means quickies only.
How long do you want your man to last? By the time you get through any foreplay-related activities, you've likely left yourself without enough time to complete the act.
Not to mention the anxiety of trying to finish as quickly as possible, knowing full-well that at any moment you could be blasted with a fire hose of cold water like some protestor.
I'd rather have sex with a gun to my head. Less pressure.
5. No room for activities.
It doesn't really matter how large your shower is; there are limited practical angles and positions available in that space.
You've got anything you can do standing, which may or may not work, depending on your relative heights. Your only other option is to prop a leg up on the lip of the bathtub (provided you don't just have a stall).
Anything other than that is going to require a protractor and a quick call to your 8th grade geometry teacher to work out the angles. We all know how precarious standing on one foot in the shower would be, even before factoring in the “motion of the ocean.”
6. Leverage is a real problem.
It's not easy to get your "sea legs" in the shower. And it doesn't take a physicist to understand that if you have trouble with your footing, you'll have trouble with the required thrusting and gyrating.
7. You can't escape. Water bounces off your bodies and into your face.
Even if you've moved out of the direct line of fire, water is going to be ricocheting randomly in every direction. And by every direction, I mean directly into your eye or mouth when you least expect it, like some kind of sexy Chinese water torture.
Like everything in this list, as well as the Duggar family, it's distracting and uncomfortable to deal with.
8. Cold shower tiles are a double-edged sword.
Cold water isn't your only nemesis in the shower. To combat the lack of traction, you'll likely attempt to lean up against the wall. And then, surprise! You suddenly realize shower tiles must somehow be made out of an actual igloo.
Now your nipples are harder than trying to sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at karaoke, solo. And not in the good way.
9. Your boyfriend isn't the only hard surface.
In the shower, everything hurts (again, not in the good way). There's nothing comfortable to lean against, and every object is a threat to leave you covered in bruises.