That Time I Dated A Girl Who Was Into Porn

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Is there such thing as porn for women?

I got into "dating" a touch late, which happens to the best of us. I got into "self-dating" a double touch late (pun very clearly intended); which is a tad unusual even amongst my fellow super-nerds.

My family was Catholic-adjacent but I didn't feel expressly guilty about pulling my own trigger; I just never felt the compulsion. As you can imagine, that led to many a nocturnal emission and subsequent, surreptitious, late-night shower; my roommates must have thought I was Howard Hughes.

I was a legitimate, job-having adult before I knew more than diddly and squat about where I could watch a couple (or more) of people do it and old enough to rent a car before I didn't feel the need to shower afterwards; obligatory Lady MacBeth reference. I made up for lost time.

Enter a real girl actually liking me. What a lovely day! But an overheard "not for your ears" conversation regarding adult internet material led to the following dialogue:


Her: "You don't do that stuff, do you?"
Me: "Umm, uh, nope?"

And that was that.

Note to any woman who feels this way, almost all dudes partake here and there, and it sincerely is not about something you did or didn't do.

Up to this point, I'd exclusively visited websites on unsolicited recommendations from friends and creeps wearing suggestive t-shirts; and I generally clicked on one of the first things I saw rather than make an ordeal of it. It was purely transactional, even though everything was free.

I needed a stress relief or whatever excuse I used and only required that a comely woman be present (again, pun clearly intended) and at least pretend to be fired up. 

Enter the one who knew things. I had no clue what I liked (other than some buxom broad and ponytailed dirtbag enjoying one another Biblically), and I had no idea how to find something I may enjoy more. And, yes, Bing would probably do the job but c'mon, seems like that could literally take minutes to find something worthwhile.

But She knew what She liked (Sweet Georgia Brown, it was threesomes and not ball torture) and where to find it (it was aggregator like ThePornDude). This had to be a trick, right? As soon as I admit how exciting this is, my parents and Howie Mandel are going to spring out of a closet, right?

I knew intellectually that there was porn for women but I was expecting it to be like the cover of a romance novel or a Merchant Ivory version of what guys like. Nope: boning.

It was interesting to have something to complement and supplement, never supplant, the real thing. It was interesting to have a party-starter that wasn't the normal "one thing leads to another, pretend we're doing something else" brand of foreplay. It was interesting to hear the noises of other people copulating without being embarrassed that they may be hearing you. 

The education continued. I assumed she assumed I was too shy to say what I found sexy. I believe guys are pretty aggressively conditioned to say "you" when asked what turns us on and while true it's not the whole truth as Robert Durst might say. She showed me things she liked and I figured out what I don't like what I didn't like, which I've always thought was a pretty crucial step in figuring out what does tickle your taint…

It's a little silly that something like porn preference can seem too intimate to share with someone you've been inside of, but there's no flowchart for vulnerability.

The mild irony is that I really only learned that I didn't like my porn too porn-y, both in aesthetic (think: bow chicka wow wow) and performers (too much saline, bleached hair, tattoo ink and bronzer make me wonder for a second if ... nope that's a woman alright).

While taste in porn seems like a contraction of terms, like almost everything else in our customized Weltanschauung, we've created a multitude of choices for every viable predilection (including abject abstinence). I'm glad I had someone teach me that A) women aren't exclusively grossed out by porn, B) what turns you on in your fantasy life doesn't equate to the real thing (guess who never got that threesome) and C) that even if you love love love vanilla, it's worth exploring other flavors; sticking with one thing feels a little too much like getting married (relax, jokes!).

Sure, the internet is probably 97% porn by volume, but homing in on and refining your porn palette is no simple task. You could use a helping hand (amiright)… so to speak.

ThePornDude rates, reviews and links to around 1,000 of the best erotic sites — including pornography-specific sub-Reddits and sex-centric dating sites — to help YOU help yourself.

So go ahead. Break out the coconut oil and make sure you dead-bolted the door.

Oh, and now I know what Hentai is ... and that it is not for me. No judging.

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