This is how you lost me.
I can be the one that got away. I can be the one who never was, the one who will never be. I will always be the one who had the guts to tell you how I felt. I will always be the one left hurting. Always be the one left behind.
You lost me when the texts got shorter and my phone rang less often as it did before. You lost me when replies got slower and messages were sent less often than it was. You lost me because it felt like reaching out to someone fading away.
It felt like I was shouting for help yet no one else can hear me but myself. I was drowning in my own thoughts with no one left to save me. I thought it could be you but you were nowhere to be found.
You lost me when you started to notice the little things. It felt weird to have someone know when I wasn't in the mood to talk. It felt weird to have someone care for me like the way you did. You lost me, because I was losing myself. You lost me, because I knew that I was already screwing up. I'm screwed, because I was already falling for a person I couldn't bear to lose. You lost me right there, and there and you didn't know.
You lost me when promises were broken, and I got stood up by you a couple of times. You lost me when "I'll always be here for you" was no longer enough to assure me that you are and that you'll be there for me through thick and thin.
You lost me, because I thought it could be you.
You were my shoulder to cry on, the one who can pick me up when I fall. It could be you, the one who'll first get the news, and the one who would always know what's happening. You could've been still the one — but I guess you couldn't, you weren't and you wouldn't.
You lost me when I aimed for Merits, and you aimed for something much bigger. You lost me when our priorities pulled us apart. You lost me when I could no longer cope up with the change.
You lost me slowly, and what hurts is that it's all my fault. I misunderstood. I couldn't accept the fact that I couldn't.
You lost me when every Sam Smith song reminded me of you. You lost me when days that we spent together were no longer just days. They were turned into memories that I would remember every time.
You lost me when I write. Every word bleeds for you. You lost me, because I got lost in you, in your eyes, the way you laugh and the way you make me smile.
You lost me, because you were no longer part of my world. You were the center of it.
You lost me, because it was happening too fast. I couldn’t control it anymore. You lost me, I hope you'll look for me.
You lost me when it was no longer just schedules that broke us apart. You lost me when it was already distance and time zones were the things keeping us apart. It would be sunsets for you while sunrises for me. It felt like every mile, every day, every season tore us apart. I tried to hold on to as much as I could, as long I can.
You lost me because while we're apart your image in my mind blurs a little bit each day. Your voice, I heard a little less that used to be my lullaby turned into a sound that breaks my heart every time I hear it. With distance came space, we both started burning bridges and building up walls that surrounded our feelings. And we couldn't bring it down.
We're falling apart, falling out, breaking into two million pieces.
You lost me, not at goodbye, but at hello. You lost me when we saw each other again after a long time. I was happy, so were you but happier apart.
You lost me while you were finding yourself. I lost you when I tried to find someone else. We lost each other but found something greater, better. You lost me, to find the reasons why you should hold on to me. I lost you to find the reasons to find myself.
Just like two message in a bottles washed away on different shores, in time we'll meet again. In time, maybe we'll deserve each other. In time, maybe we'd be better. In time, maybe we'll have found ourselves and what we were really looking for. In time, I'll see you again.
This is how you lost me. Maybe one day, you'll come back and will try to find me. Maybe this time, you wouldn't lose me again.
This article was originally published at Thought Catalog. Reprinted with permission from the author.
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