These stars are basically Christian Grey come to life.
Jamie Dornan garnered a whole lot of criticism for his performance as Christian Grey in the 50 Shades Of Grey movie, which had an impressive $94 million opening weekend despite tepid (if not scathing) reviews and really dreadful source material. To be fair, basing Christian Grey on the books doesn't give Dornan much to work with, and it'd be difficult for anyone to make the clunky, idiotic dialogue EL James forced into the script sound natural or believable. The onscreen Christian Grey has to make dramatic speeches about being "fifty shades of f*cked up," compare his lovers to his "crackwhore" mom and still seem somehow charming. Even the late Sir Lawrence Olivier would have a tough time pulling off a role like that.
That said, Irish model-turned-actor Dornan, who plays a serial killer in The Fall beautifully, may want to take notes from these stars on how to really get into the character of a dark, brooding, sociopathic abuser: Some are great at playing sinister characters onscreen, while others are rumored to be suave on the surface and sadistic in real life.
1. Tom Cruise
Remember how Tom Cruise reportedly auditioned plenty of women, including Jennifer Garner and Sofia Vergara, to be his wife before he settled on Katie Holmes?
3. Sean Penn
Sean Penn has the brooding, serious thing down. He's also into tying up and striking women with various instruments. You know, like when he kidnapped, bound, beat and sexually assaulted then-wife Madonna. Classy dude. (Godspeed, Charlize Theron.)
4. Liam Neeson
Liam Neeson has a particular set of skills. And he was great in The Grey. If anyone could salvage The Christian Grey, it's this dude, but let's be honest. It's kind of beneath him.
5. John Mayer
John Mayer has demonstrated numerous times that he doesn't respect women. Based on his track record of famous dimwitted females (ask Jessica Simpson what buffalo sauce is or Katy Perry about geishas), Anastasia Steele, who lacks any semblance of a personality and doesn't have two brain cells to rub together, seems just his type.
Drake obsesses over famous women, including Rihanna and Nicki Minaj. Then he bangs a bunch of strippers, some of whom he threatens with physical violence. Sounds manipulative and creepy to us, just like emotional abuser Christian Grey. (Also, he plays up the image of being "hard" when he's really the emotional and street equivalent of a f*cking Tempur-Pedic mattress. Go home, Wheelchair Jimmy.)
8. Danny Trejo
C'mon, is there anyone on the planet more intimidating than this guy? Also, I'll be honest. I just wanted to include Danny Trejo in this list because Danny Trejo is a goddamn legend.
9. Christian Bale
Christian Bale plays a psychopath beautifully, as evidenced in his portrayal of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. He's also handsome, rich, gratuitously talented and has displayed he's got quite a bit of a temper. If it weren't beneath his paygrade, unrefined and lame, he'd be perfect for Christian Grey.
10. Chris Brown
He's rich, he's abusive and he has an ex-girlfriend who, until recently, was unable to let go of him. Why do we worship Christian Grey and crucify Chris Brown again? (Hint: It has to do with "white knight" fantasies as well as white skin. Better yourselves.)