If Meghan Trainor's lips are movin', something stupid is usually coming out.
Listen, I really want to like Meghan Trainor. I love 60s-style pop, which is her forte, and I admit to occasionally bopping around to her songs in the car. Her aesthetic is cute most of the time when she's not infantilizing herself with creepy pigtails or something ("Lips Are Movin'"), or letting her foundation oxidize into an orange mess (see the "All About That Bass" video). She's pretty swell in a lot of ways.
Unfortunately, Meghan Trainor's lyrics are just so insipid, contradictory and sometimes even anti-feminist that it actually makes me want to jam a Lego into my eardrums if I pay attention too closely. Here are some examples of the dumbest Meghan Trainor lyrics, some of which are just plain stupid and some of which both are stupid and can set women back a few decades. (I didn't include the outright dubious claim that she's "bringing booty back" because that was already covered here.)
1. "Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size / She says, 'Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.' / You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll / So if that's what you're into then go ahead and move along." - from "All About That Bass"
If you're a skinny bitch, you're worthless — jaykay, you're only worthless if you don't think you're fat. If you use silicone and happen to be thin, to Hell with whatever makes you feel confident, because you're not supposed to feel good about yourself unless you're fitting to Meghan Trainor's ideal. Also, every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top as long as it conforms to a male ideal. Sure. The most egregious thing about this may be the fact that in trying to pander to the thicker market, Trainor forgot that she's, what? A size 6 or an 8 or something? The woman is nowhere near fat. In her own words, "C'mon now, make it stop."
2. "Gotta understand that I'm looking for a man who can get up on a bike, look ma, no hands / You gotta show me off, off / But you embarrassed, if that's the case I'm all gone / You gotta treat me like a trophy, put me on the shelf / Or call me something else." - from "Title"
So you're looking for a man who disregards his safety and treats you like an object? Way to go. Here's hoping you both have helmets.
3. "'Cause if you'll treat me right / I'll be the perfect wife / Buying groceries / Buy-buying what you need." - from "Dear Future Husband"
C'mon, are you f*cking serious? The incentive you're giving a dude to tie it up is the fact that you'll run errands for him? Really? If the only way you can get a man to commit is by promising to not let him eat takeout for the rest of his life, you either need to find a new man or get yourself more to offer. Jesus Christ.
4. "After every fight / Just apologize / And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right / Even if I was wrong / You know I'm never wrong / Why disagree? / Why, why disagree? / You gotta know how to treat me like a lady / Even when I'm acting crazy / Tell me everything's alright." - from "Dear Future Husband"
No one should apologize if you're the one acting like a psycho. You know who says things like this? People who actually are crazy, not people who act crazy. Also, people who will inevitably die alone because they don't know how to recognize their own mistakes and have no ability to compromise.
5. "I guess I could waste all my time and my money just trying to look right / But it doesn't change who I am in my heart if I look like a dime." - from "Close Your Eyes"
Another song pandering to the "I feel ugly" crowd. I can respect the message, but inevitably there will be someone who takes this too far and just lets themselves go completely. Don't be that person. Do not be that person.
6. "It's so wrong / Somebody take away my phone / 'Cause I've been drinking all night long / 3AM, yup I'm texting you once again / Even though I'm hanging with my friends." - from "3AM"
I bet Meghan Trainor's a lot of fun at parties.
7. "Well, please don't judge / It was mad late / I had a lot to drink / But I was only being safe." - from "Walkashame"
Uh, what's safe about this? This sounds like date rape.
8. "Cause you're the first guy who's taking me out / And it's taking his time, yes you are babe / No, you ain't tryna get in my bed on the very first night." - from "What If I"
Hey, want to scare a guy off or make him think there's something seriously wrong with you? Tell him he's the first guy ever to treat you like a person. This is less flattering for him and more alarming and insulting, because, well, what does that say about your judgment of character leading up to this point?
9. "Nah, I come from outer space." - from "Lips Are Movin'"
That's too loaded a statement to just be an aside. If the guy I'm boning is actually from Uranus (couldn't resist), I'd want to know well in advance. That's interspecies, dude. There are risks.
10. "I guess my training's where it's at / I had him brushed his teeth, even flossin' / Got him looking like Ryan Gosling / I guess that makes me pretty awesome / But I wasn't in love / So I tossed him." - from "Credit"
So you want props for dating a dude who didn't brush his teeth? Raise your standards and get a f*cking grip.