It's time to fess up.
Are you a liar, liar, whose pants, unfortunately, are not on fire at all? If you've been faking orgasms with your boyfriend or husband, you need to fess up — after all, the only way to get orgasms is to be honest about what does and doesn't work for you.
You know all this, right? But you just can't figure out how to tell the truth after all this time. If this sounds like you, then you have four choices:
1. Tell him you've been faking.
Explain that you only lied because you were scared and insecure (or embarrassed, or shy, or whatever your reasons) and you're telling the truth now because he means so much to you and you feel he deserves the truth.
Apologize profusely. Make him feel really special, like he's the only guy who's ever earned your trust enough to be told the truth, like he's the only one you've ever met who's man enough to handle the truth. (Do not tell him that other guys have been able to make you climax during intercourse, even if that's the truth.)
Explain to him that the majority of women (like 70%!) don't climax from intercourse alone — it's just the way our bodies are built. Then show him exactly how you do climax. And make sure he knows you'd love nothing more than to figure out various ways to get you off together, whether during intercourse or not.
2. Keep on faking and living a lie.
As the years go on, the fights and the sex will both get worse until just the way he holds his fork will annoy the shit out of you and you'll end up taking it out on him by sleeping with his best friend and then later when you get really mad at him you'll scream, "I hate you! I've always faked with you! But you know who I don't fake with? Your best friend!"
3. Dump him and find a new man to start over with, this time being honest from the start.
Hey, we never said these were four easy options!
4. Ease into the truth.
For the record, we don't recommend this approach: when it comes to fessing up about faking, we think option #1 — the band-aid approach — works best.
But if you're feeling really wussy, we guess this approach is better than faking for the rest of your life (#2) or dumping a guy (or even a husband!) you really like (#3).
Start by increasing clitoral stimulation during intercourse — and there are plenty of ways to do it. Encourage him to use his hand on you, or use your hand on yourself. Or bring a little vibrator into the bedroom, or get him to wear one of those vibrating love rings or finger vibes. Or try out positions that are high on full-body contact, like the famous coital alignment technique.
Gush effusively about how amazing the sex is when you do these things together for a little Pavlovian conditioning.
Next, encourage him to spend time using his hands on you or going down on you before intercourse — no reason why you can't have your orgasm before the intercourse starts.
And for the record, climaxing during oral sex is climaxing during sex. Same with getting off on handwork. They're just different varieties of sex, and there's no shame in favoring one over another. Also, you may well find that intercourse feels even better — perhaps even orgasmic — after you've climaxed once.
Assuming that at least some of these tips work, eventually you'll get to a point where some of the stuff you do together makes you climax — and some of the stuff doesn't. Eventually you might actually be able to tell him, in all honesty, that he made "the earth move like no other." And if the gods are smiling on you, you might even be able to phase out the faking without your guy catching on.
But assuming your guy is actually paying attention to you in bed — and if he's not, then that's your problem right there! — we're guessing you're still going to have to fess up. At this point, however, the truth won't hurt so much — because it's not like you're telling him that you're a big fat faker and nothing he does has ever made you climax. No, you'll be telling him that you're a medium-sized faker and some of the stuff he does works better than other stuff. Gentler on a guy's ego, we have to assume.
That all said, however, we still think that just sitting down with your man — outside the bedroom — and telling him the truth is the way to go, not only because honesty is the best policy, but because guys need to learn that intercourse isn't the be-all-end-all for a lot of women.
We've talked to numerous women who've had this conversation with their guys, and the most common reaction is that the guy takes it as a challenge: He wants to jump into bed right then and there and not come up for air until the faker in question has climaxed for reals. Hey, maybe your boyfriend or husband is that kind of guy. And if he's not? Well, he wasn't really a keeper after all, was he?
The truth hurts, but a life of faking hurts way more.
This article was originally published at Em & Lo. Reprinted with permission from the author.