Today, I met my boyfriend's wife.
Yes you read that right. They are currently going through a divorce. She is beautiful, and it's not "I'm-saying-it-to-be-nice" beautiful. She is legitimately beautiful, but in a strange way.
It felt strange to be sitting next to my boyfriend and his soon-to-be ex. I sat and thought about when they met and how they fell in love. They loved each other so much that they got married. They shared their first marriage together. This is something I will never know.
They created a new life, which was the first for them both. I will never experience that because I am with someone who has had their first experiences already. From now on, our experiences will always be known as the "second". I'll be the second wife, (mother of the) second child, live in the second house, and be his second love.
I understand divorce is hard, but I don't know if people appreciate the fact that those who date divorced men or women are always going to be burdened with forever being second.
I don't quite understand why this bothers me so much, but it does. It makes me think, "Will our wedding be more of an annoyance to him?" and will he stand there and think, "Not this again." Will our child lose out on the love he/she could have received? Will I be thrilled to announce my pregnancy while he thinks, "Been there, done that... It's not that exciting."
Will I miss out on all of the things I had hoped for since I was a little girl?
This is what I was thinking of as I sat and conversed with my boyfriend's wife. It doesn't matter that their marriage is over; she will always and forever be number one everything in his life. I cannot even fathom competing with that.
It's like I lost a game that I didn't know I was playing.
This article was originally published at BlogHer. Reprinted with permission from the author.