If you model your life after a Disney princess, you're doing it wrong. Here's why.
I grew up with a lot of love for Disney cartoons, and like most girls I love Disney princesses. But unfortunately, not all women and girls are able to discern the Disney fairy tales they love from how real life actually works.
Disney princesses set a really high bar for women and girls to live up to: your waist to hip ratio needs to be preternatural, you'll probably need to be born royalty or marry into it, and Prince Charming doesn't really need to know you that well. Aside from all the potential body image and unrealistic elements and expectations Disney princesses and Disney cartoons can set, they also teach some really unsettling, disturbing yet darkly hilarious love and life lessons.
Here are the creepiest morals from Disney princesses (and from Wendy Darling, Mulan and Alice, who technically aren't princesses but are still iconic).
1. Take everything that someone smoking opium says seriously.
Because they clearly make the best decisions out of anyone else you could encounter.
2. Bestiality's no biggie.
You know, if he's got a big house with talking teacups and stuff. Also, Stockholm Syndrome totally isn't a thing.
3. Consent isn't that important.
You can't say "no" if you're unconscious. You can't say "yes" either. That's why there are laws about this weird thing called "date rape."
4. Gambling is never a problem.
Don't look to Alice In Wonderland to figure out how to deal with betting, cards or possibly getting killed over a game. Look to Kenny Rogers.
5. It's fine to risk your friends' lives for a boyfriend.
Hey, remember when Ariel almost got her lifelong friend and occasional guardian Sebastian killed so she could dine with a guy who'd never even heard her talk? You do? You need to know that that's never okay.
6. Follow random lights you see when you're alone in the forest.
Have you never seen an episode of Dateline?
7. It's acceptable to show up to parties uninvited.
There won't always be enough tea to go around if you keep showing up to parties you're not even invited to attend. And, like Alice, you may find yourself surrounded by lunatics with no respect for themselves, each other or anyone else's property.
8. Don't accept any accolades.
Mulan refused to accept any honors bestowed upon her when she saved her whole country. I mean, I know Lean In wasn't written yet, but really?
9. Go against your principles.
When she was a kid, Tiana swore she'd never kiss a frog. She changed her mind. Sure, it worked out in the end, but only after she was transformed into an amphibian and subject to a number of voodoo curses.
10. Your shoe size is an acceptable form of ID.
Instead of jotting down your name and contact info, just leave a shoe behind. You're guaranteed to get a prince to marry you. Or you'll just look like you got really drunk at that ball.
11. Man, f*ck history.
That was the moral of this one, right?
12. If your pet tiger doesn't like your beau, it'll still work.
In reality, if Rajah didn't like Aladdin, it'd be less of a Cinderella and more of a Siegfried and Roy-style ending.
13. Having short, dark hair is like, the worst thing ever.
Brunettes are people too. And listen, unless you have a genetic or Ariana Grande-edges issue, your hair will grow back. That's what hair does. If you don't think this is true, remember how you felt the last time you forgot to shave your legs.
14. Necrophilia's fine if he's royalty.
Snow White was in a coffin with her eyes closed in a "sleep-like death," and the seven dwarves just let this happen. Like, Doc didn't even side-eye Prince Charming making out with what everyone thought was just a really well-preserved corpse. Why weren't her pals called the Seven Deviants?
15. Whistle while you work ... but not too much.
You know why Snow White was always happy and encouraged you to "whistle while you work?" Because she wasn't actually working. She got woodland creatures to do all that crap for her. Then, like lots of people in upper management, she took credit for everything once it was done.
16. Your dad will always bail you out of dangerous situations.
Ariel could always rely on her father, King Triton, to save her in The Little Mermaid. For most of us, though, eventually our dads get tired of our s*it and make us grow up, whether or not that means growing legs.
17. Dating criminals is totally okay.
Flynn Rider may be charming in Tangled, but he's a thief with a false identity and was in what's basically a gang with two sociopaths called The Stabbington Brothers. If you wouldn't allow yourself to get sexed into a gang, why would you encourage this Catfish coupling?
18. Oedipus complexes are totally healthy.
Wendy Darling was commissioned by Peter Pan and the Lost Boys to be their mother in Neverland. Then she tried to make out with Peter Pan, who, as you can tell, is just not that into her. Because Peter Pan isn't a creep, no matter how many associations he may have with the late Michael Jackson.
19. Matriarchs are evil.
Until recently, most mothers in Disney cartoons were either villains or dead. Did their creative team see Kris Jenner in the future or something?