The Reason All Hipsters Are Exactly The Same, Says Science


Professor Jonathan Touboul, has come up with a formula to explain the "hipster paradox."

It was in the 1940's that the term "hipster," first came to be. Back then hipsters were a subculture of jazz fans, people who experimented with drugs, lived in cold waters flats in New York City's Village, and were not out to impress anyone. They lived life on their own terms, on the outskirts of what was deemed conventional and perceived "normal," by a society that could have used some excitement of its own. Although they were all the same in their search for something that you couldn't find in every day cavorting with the mediocre, each one was very different from the next. Now that was a hipster.

Today, the term hipster is the name given to a group of people who want to be different, but are anything but. They live in over-priced apartments in Brooklyn's Williamsburg, only eat artisanal and organic, all while shopping at second-hand stores despite the fact that they have trust funds to support their faux bohemian lifestyles. They are absurd, yet a perfect example of what Jack Kerouac and the original hipsters of the 40's were trying to outrun and escape; the hipsters of today are all sheep and science can prove it.

A mathematical neuroscientist from the College de France in Paris, Professor Jonathan Touboul, has come up with a formula to explain the "hipster paradox," or, in other words, the reason why all hipsters are exactly the same. Let me try to explain it as simply as possible, because, whoa, math hurts my brain: When a trend starts there is a delay before others pick it up. During that delay hipsters, individually, ponder whether or not this is a trend for them to follow, but by the time their mind is made up, they're all on the same page, therefore making what was once new and special the mainstream. See? Sheep!

If one were to be a true hipster, they would have to be constantly evolving and changing their style to always stay ahead of the gang. However, according to Touboul, this would be impossible, because, you know, life, man. Unfortunately for those who are trying to live the hipster lifestyle, they have jobs at American Apparel to get up for (at noon), bands in Bushwick to see (only the most obscure will do), and mass amounts of PBRs to drinks (who can beat a PBR and a shot of whisky for $3), so they just slink away into the masses and force Jack Kerouac to roll over in his grave.

Takeaway? I mean, aside from the fact that that Care Bears sweatshirt on a 30-year-old guy isn't ironic at all, but really dumb looking? Hipsters will never be original. They will never be cool, different, or even remotely culturally significant, no matter how hard they try. They will always be one in thousands of thousands of other wannabes trying to stand out, but will ultimately disappear into the backdrop of society. To be honest, aside for the term attached to such absurdity, hipsters don't even exist anymore. They've gone the way of the dinosaurs, and that, my friends, is beautiful. Now someone do something about the dude in the Care Bears sweatshirt.


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